kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Kenny: "My girlfriend thinks we're getting married next Saturday."
Me: "Oh, you're in deep shit."

I keep thinking back to Rothenberg's book... Improvise!!! Emotions are like mud: I get stuck in it and, after fitfully trying to get unstuck, I have to get out of the vehicle that got me there and walk to dryer ground.

I'm still spinning tires.

It's such a long process for me, but it is a process... I'm not stagnant, unmoving, pitifully pout-ful, useless (well...), unthinking, unmotivated, depressed, oppressed, selfish, negative, ugly, worthless... although, I might go through those moments, I am working towards a stronger me.

I'm improvising slowly.

This I know... I can never be quite as idealistic with love again. I'll never assume that, because I've asked a few simple questions, or made certain statements, that I am understood and/or safe... If, indeed this has been about religion, then I was caught completely off guard. I'll never allow myself to be caught in the whirl-wind of love again... I will constantly search for answers, and definitions. I can never be safe, nor can I stomach the idea of going through this again, ever. Fuck, sometimes I am so naive.

What I thought was possible, what I always dreamed of, has been shattered. The place I had been searching for my entire life: a safe-haven where, when there, everything in the world was perfect, has vanished in a nightmare and reality is the brisk morning air, bringing me back to a lonely world.

I've lost my faith in love, and now have only myself...

This is not her fault... and, although there are issues left unresolved (for me), I realize that my expectations were influenced by too many fairy tales.

Nietzsche: "God is Dead!"
Me: "Love is Dead!"

And, now I must get out and walk... The mud might be thick, and continue for a long distance, but I will find dryer ground... I will find my higher ground.

Leaving behind: a shattered world-view and, eventually, the fragments of the only unconditional love I will ever have. That is the vehicle that got me here.

What I will hold onto: My honesty. My dignity. The faith I have in myself. My sensitivity. My compassion. My ability to suffer. My ability to Love. My ability to see and cherish beauty. The capacity to love as much as I do (which I am beginning to think exceeds that of most mortals).

And, once have recovered, I will be a calloused old man... more wise in his dealings with other people and more fit for nature's cruel abuse. But, as of this day, I am still fragile little me... longing to be held in her arms, wanting to be safe all over again.

I only hope she knows how beautiful I honestly feel she is. She will never be a "beautiful memory," for she will always be sitting in the moment that grows through me. She is a special person... and, how I feel for her is a representation of everything I find amazing in this world. Because of this, I will always be her friend. I will always be here for her. I will always be...
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
"That's what you get for thinking," Coach Conley would say.

Fuck... he was right.

Thinking and feeling... I'm going to stop. I'm going to become a agnostic monk... Skate and I use to sit in computer class and dream of our caves on neighboring mountain tops where we would eat lizard tails as a form of sustenance, and live out our lives alone.

That sounds so appealing right now.

I'm going into the wilderness, never to return. I can not trust my ability to communicate because, after all, one only hears what they want to. Of course, some are better at communicating than others... and some are better at listening...

I want to perform harikari, so that I can remove the pain from inside... (that's not a suicide threat, i just wish that emotional pain could be dealt with that cleanly)

I just wasn't prepared. I didn't know that this is what was going to happen... I had no idea, even. I felt safe with her.

That's what I get for thinking.

Worn

Mar. 21st, 2002 11:28 am
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Fuck.

Why insomnia? Natalia just broke up with her boyfriend... say's she doesn't feel anything right now, just sleeps a lot. What the hell??? Why to I feel like my stomach and heart are being dragged across a gravel road at 40 miles an hour. I actually feel a physical pain... it drains me.

What makes me so special?

Natalia and I had a long talk last night about Mormon and Non-Mormon relationships... She said I reminded her a lot of her grandfather, who converted right before he died. His wife was a very strong Mormon through-out her life.

Natalia's father, on the other hand, would burn church materials and demand that Natalia's mother choose either the Mormon church, or him. Okay... that's an asshole for you. Date, love and marry someone who respects you and is honest. Know who you are involved with...

I told her how frustrating it is to be something that people do not understand. I can't count how many times people have insisted that I must be doing something wrong, that God is easily accessible, "Ask and ye shall recieve..." I've asked, I've prayed, I've spoken to people, I've spent hours, days, months and years looking, searching and honestly questioning in an effort to feel the presence of God. I want that comfort that comes so easily to others. I don't know why I am me, but I think it unfair that I continue to be punished, not only by the entity that is supposed to be God, but also those who follow that God.

I am a man of love. I am a man of kindness... I believe in patience and of giving myself. I forgive easily, and do unto others as I would have done unto myself. I am a man of God, who knows no God. I am a good person and that is all I have to rest on... I feel that I am judged unfairly, and it is killing me.

Always on the outside looking in.

Sunday, when I was cracking... I was walking on a hard patch of crusty, inch-thick snow when the footsteps poem came to mind. I turned around to see if Jesus's sandle tracks were in the snow. Just boots. Does Jesus wear boots? Does he wear my boots?
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I couldn't fucking sleep again. This is all too strange... My mind wasn't that active... and, I thought I was exhausted. I just had long, frustrating fits of restlessness. I was too tired to get out of bed, and it was too cold to think about removing myself from the comfort of my warm blankets.

I've never actually suffered from any form of insomnia before. I'm a good sleeper, really I am.

I have to thank Lokassena for his post... I'll get back to you when I have energy to think and write.

That's it...

I'm tired.

Thank You

Mar. 18th, 2002 07:11 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Everyone... I know I've been cracking, but I think I'm okay now. I'm sure I'll still be crying... but, I've started eating again (ryn made me).

There is a reason why I've been feeling this way... and I wouldn't change how I feel for anything. She's doing what she knows is right, and I cannot fault her for that... I want her to be happy on her own terms.

She is the most beautiful person I've known, and I feel blessed to have her friendship... Everyone should be half as lucky as I... to have spent so many wonderful moments with such an amazing person. I have no regrets.

The most amazing thing happened to me today. We sat in the office suite, talking... and she took all the anxiety, all the worry, all the sadness out of my heart.

I know my heart will still ache, but I'm done cracking...

Thank you, everyone... for your love.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
If she wanted to be with me, she would be.

That's how I understand love. It allows you to be with people, to see their inner-most beauty... Love transcends things, it allows one to overcome, it puts light in dark places... it moves the world I stand in.

When I say, "I love you," it means that, no matter what you do... I will be there. It means that my heart belongs to you, despite all differences... it means that I support you, even when my opinions, or beliefs differ from yours.

Love moves people to do extraordinary things... it accomplishes so much. It means so much. When I say, "I love you," it is absolute and pure. It means that the most beautiful feelings I have are moving though me, and they are because of you.

This is my definition of love. It means everything to me.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Picture hanging...

My blues have been temporarily released. Of course, my head is floating away from me due to a lack of food...

It's going to get worse, I know. I'm going to get lonely. I'm going to need her, and she isn't going to be there. I really wasn't prepared for this. I thought something else was going on, and she needed space. I tried to comply, but I didn't know it was me. I had fears, but thought I was just being paranoid and tried to not think about it. I was blind sided, stunned...

I'm stupid.

I don't like having ugly thoughts. They're self-defeating.

"What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger" - Nietzsche
"What doesn't kill me, still hurts like hell" - Me

I'm still going to love her. I don't have a choice... that's who I am. I can't stop loving. I can't.

I should stop dreaming. My dreams don't come true. Never have...

When I was younger, my mother would walk away from me when I would try to hug her. People walk away. That's life. People leave...

Nothing is as it should be. Nothing is forever.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
i can't help but feel like the bad person, here... like i've broken a law. my path has been decided for me. i have no choice... i love and now i'm being punished. there is nothing i can do, or say.

i'm helpless.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I think I had a cinnamon roll yesterday. I can't remember eating anything else... I drank a lot of coffee. I walked all over town, listening to Norah Jones. I drove in circles. I cried all day (off and on). I left many people with the impression that I had cracked.

I was looking for signs.

One of my many stops at the coffee shop found Biloba reading my horoscope from the city weekly. Taurus:

Before going to sleep last night, I asked my subconscious mind to send me a dream with a useful symbolic message for you Tauruses. Near morning, I dreamed of caterpillars slowly but surely devouring the big bad wolf. When they were finished, the spun cocoons. After a while they emerged as giant yellow butterflies with the shape of bulls on their wings. Here's my dream interpretation: I believe you Tauruses are entering a phase when a young or "larval" part of your psyche will nibble a problem to death, setting the stage for a rebirth in which the problem will be transformed into a beautiful thing.

I hope so. I'm tired of hurting...

I need to find food... I haven't eaten yet today. Between Saturday's dinner at the Bombay House and this morning, I have lost 7 pounds. I'm just not hungry. My stomach is in knots...

exhaustion

Mar. 17th, 2002 09:44 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
shit.

i may be able to sleep tonight.

i wish love could sleep with me too.

Too Pure

Mar. 17th, 2002 10:17 am
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
A song from Sebadoh. It's haunting me...

Sebadoh )

selfish

Mar. 17th, 2002 12:34 am
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
i don't want to be selfish. this, right now, is her best option.

it's my absolute worst.

but, it's better this way. i think i fucked up. i'm really confused.

i'm sorry. i'm not going to write here for a long while.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
i cannot write anything, nor can i sleep.

i'm doomed.

this is my dream:
god will come to me tonight, and make everything alright.

crushed.

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