Thank You

[kazatasupa]

Everyone... I know I've been cracking, but I think I'm okay now. I'm sure I'll still be crying... but, I've started eating again (ryn made me).

There is a reason why I've been feeling this way... and I wouldn't change how I feel for anything. She's doing what she knows is right, and I cannot fault her for that... I want her to be happy on her own terms.

She is the most beautiful person I've known, and I feel blessed to have her friendship... Everyone should be half as lucky as I... to have spent so many wonderful moments with such an amazing person. I have no regrets.

The most amazing thing happened to me today. We sat in the office suite, talking... and she took all the anxiety, all the worry, all the sadness out of my heart.

I know my heart will still ache, but I'm done cracking...

Thank you, everyone... for your love.

Comments

It seems now...

[lokasenna.livejournal.com]

You could do one of two things:

1. Walk away, value friendship, move on, bla, bla, bla... leave Utah...

2. Take one last examination at what Ryn could still offer you, or what you can offer her (this point, to my vast irritation, seems--- and mind you, I'm not there, so I don't have a full perspective here as to what's going on--- to have gone largely ignored, cuz that's the mormon--- and pardon my pagan contempt--- "solution" to dating non-mormons. Not mormon? Move on, and find yourself a nice mormon boy!) I think maybe, if I had any kind of inkling left of what it is to try and divinate the "Will of God" and a person's role in it, I would look here and try to figure out "Is this God's Will"? Have either of you ever possibly examined what role you could play in each other's longer term spiritual lives? Has Ryn (or have you) ever stopped to think, that it might be her's to lead you back to God and the Church? To feel that divine presence that seems missing? Or that it might be your's to show that God is so much more than a confined definition given in a dry text of Mormon/Christian doctrine?

I don't want to see you give up Matt. Not when you've ever been this close to true happiness, not when you finally came out of your shell, and TOOK A FUCKING CHANCE.

YOU TWO NEED TO TALK. And not give up. Giving up now is so cowardly. Her rejecting the possibility of what it is she could do and be for you (i.e.--- leading you back to God, finding your way back to the grace of the church--- which, by your own admission, you wished that you could just accept and belong to again), an agent of what could possibly be "God's Will". Should this idea offer any amount of excitement or happiness at the possibility of it being such, even if, to either of you, it doesn't seem as likely, HOW can you two NOT even consider trying for this?

You two COULD BE, in the end, a happy Christian couple. Maybe, a happy Mormon couple. But neither of you ever will, will you, if this is how it ends--- and way too fucking prematurely in my humble opinion.

Both of you get some guts, and grasp, however an intangible (yes, I refer to this adjective the context of a noun) it may be, that possibility, that there could be more to this.

Have either of you, in the time you've been together, ever discussed in true depth, to great length, your own spiritualities, and the common grounding you might have, and try to build on it or see to the final destination it could take you? Or learn enough to know, for certain, that it is something that has no hope of being reconciled that you can't do this?

I have to cut this off. The venom is rising. I don't want my laden contempt of either of your behaviors putting you off to the idea I've conveyed here. I just hope you both listen and... consider. For the sake of either of your's happiness.