kazatasupa

Last night I undressed Warrick for his evening’s bath. Marie was cleaning the tub, so I set the 14 month old loose thinking a naked, stampeding baby would be cute. He quickly jetted his nude-suit out of the bedroom screaming nonsensical baby jabber along the way in celebration of his newfound sense of freedom. He returned to his room after taking his nudist tour of the house, skidding to a stop in front of me. Looking up to where his eyes met mine, we stared into each other’s souls for a second before a bursting stream of urine shot from his little wee, amalgamating with the carpet near his feet. His focus suddenly shifted from the look of horror on my face to the egestive liquid pool. He had never seen his own evacuation of fluids before and was puzzled at the wetness in the floor. I screamed, “I am such a bad dad!” My wife shot out from the bathroom to see what madness had occurred in her absence only to find herself laughing at my panic. I am not well with bodily fluids on the floor…

I’ve made posts public through April 12 of 2002.

These notes are mostly for me, so I know where to return when I have time to continue my project.  I’m also tagging them as I go, so my entries are easier to search.  Much of what is posted here is embarrassing to me now.  I was shy growing up and didn’t start dating until my 20’s.  My first “real” kiss wasn’t until I was nearly 21 and I lost my virginity a couple of years later.  I fell in love for the first time with her, but I didn’t appreciate that relationship until it was long over.  I’m still friends with Amanda – though distantly.  We’re connected via Twitter and Instagram.  Of the women I dated, she’s the one who owns the softest spot in my heart (other than my wife, of course!).  I felt like I needed to make up for being a “late bloomer” while we dated, and was in a hurry to move onto other relationships.   It’s interesting that I didn’t write much about her in this journal, as she and I were always “on and off” in that era.  She definitely deserves a place here as well as in my heart.

Laryn was the first girl who broke my heart.  There would be others, but she was the most difficult to overcome.  In going through these posts, my perspective on that relationship has changed a great deal than that of my memory.  She was always in the background, cheering me on through anonymous comments.  She was more of a friend to me than my writings here portray her as.  A lot of the things she used to say to me like, “choose to be happy,” would drive me crazy back then, but are mantras for life that I use every day now. She played an enormous role in the person I try to be today.  She was an angel.

So, why am I making this journal public after years of being private or friends only?  I am an older first-time father.  I’ll be 45 in May and my son just turned 1 earlier this month.  “Time is fleeting, and I don’t know how much of it any of has left in this life (to borrow a line I wrote in an email to my biological mother).” There aren’t any promises of longevity and I want my son to have a record of my life should something happen to me while he is young.  I want him to see that my life was beautiful despite the bumps in the road along the way; that he might have someone to relate to if he falls on hard times during his life.  I want him to know that even the darkest, coldest winters soon turn to the warmth of spring.

Coffee and Joseph Fire Crow.

I've made public my entries through January 2002.  It's interesting reading my thoughts in the blissful calm before the storm.  LaRyn was the first woman I allowed myself to feel loved by and, though our "relationship" was short in terms of time, I struggled for years to reclaim myself from losing the trust I had in that love.  I have a completely different perspective on that relationship than I did at that time.  I have only fond memories of our time together and I hope she is blissfully happy in her life now (I'm sure she is).

The women I wrote about back then; Nicole, Natalia, and Marie are all still dear friends of mine and one (Marie) is now my wife.  I feel fortunate to have been able to foster relationships with these amazing people and that they still care enough to call me a friend (or husband) is such a great blessing for my old soul.  I am in shock that Marie and I have been together now for 7 years and in April will have been married for 6 years.  Time goes by too quickly.

I miss my brother.  This will be the 5th Christmas since lokasennapassed away.  I used to feel such a romance for the holiday, but that feeling died with Thorn.  I miss exchanging philosophy books with him.  I miss trying to get him drunk on Christmas Eve, or during Christmas dinner.  I miss our evening discussions and disagreements.  I miss everything about him.  Having had a child has returned some "spirit" of the holiday to me.  I only wish Thorn could be here to love on his nephew.

It's snowing outside.  I wish I had the time to go for a walk and take in the wonder of the universe.  I have a Lion's Club board meeting tonight to go along with my regular domestic and fatherly duties.  The walk will have to wait for another day.