kazatasupa

Coffee and Joseph Fire Crow.

I've made public my entries through January 2002.  It's interesting reading my thoughts in the blissful calm before the storm.  LaRyn was the first woman I allowed myself to feel loved by and, though our "relationship" was short in terms of time, I struggled for years to reclaim myself from losing the trust I had in that love.  I have a completely different perspective on that relationship than I did at that time.  I have only fond memories of our time together and I hope she is blissfully happy in her life now (I'm sure she is).

The women I wrote about back then; Nicole, Natalia, and Marie are all still dear friends of mine and one (Marie) is now my wife.  I feel fortunate to have been able to foster relationships with these amazing people and that they still care enough to call me a friend (or husband) is such a great blessing for my old soul.  I am in shock that Marie and I have been together now for 7 years and in April will have been married for 6 years.  Time goes by too quickly.

I miss my brother.  This will be the 5th Christmas since lokasennapassed away.  I used to feel such a romance for the holiday, but that feeling died with Thorn.  I miss exchanging philosophy books with him.  I miss trying to get him drunk on Christmas Eve, or during Christmas dinner.  I miss our evening discussions and disagreements.  I miss everything about him.  Having had a child has returned some "spirit" of the holiday to me.  I only wish Thorn could be here to love on his nephew.

It's snowing outside.  I wish I had the time to go for a walk and take in the wonder of the universe.  I have a Lion's Club board meeting tonight to go along with my regular domestic and fatherly duties.  The walk will have to wait for another day.

:::stunned:::

me: "so, wait a second... are we dating?"
nicole: "wait. i'm confused..."
me: "how are you confused?"
nicole: "i don't know..."
me: "i know you don't like dating, so i just assumed we were friends..."
nicole: "yea."
me: "do you think we're dating?"
nicole: "well, we hang out and hold hands and kiss and stuff..."
me: "yea. well, we could be dating. i mean, i don't date anyone else..."
nicole: "me either."
me: "so, i guess we're dating?"
nicole: "i think so."
me: "so we're dating?"
nicole: "yea."

i don't know why we are...
but i'm investing in her again.
she's so fucking beautiful to me...
and, at times, i find that painful.

we're so closely seperated.

could i be falling again?

stop. i'm trying to construct something here, only its not working. words, not flowing, look awkward in sentences. i'm stumped. perhaps i should write nothing and why have i not left for home? i'm tired, hot and with headache... surely there are better places, like my bed, for me to be. *sigh*

i called nicole twice yesterday to leave messages. she returned call, and asked me to call her after seven. around seven-ten, as i sat in my closet, on my hamper, i called her. "i'm going crazy," i told her. "we're all crazy," she replied and continued to ask, "what's normal, anyway and by whose definition?" "i'm going crazy by my standards... i don't know me anymore," i answered. "i'm feeling strange." i rambled on for a while, then said goodbye and thought that, maybe i shouldn't have called her. she's going to call me sometime, although i wouldn't hold my breath. she'll call in a couple of months... maybe.

then i called my mother. i needed to hear her voice, to feel connected. she told me willie's mom was getting married saturday.

so, i called willie's mom. we chatted for two hours. i miss her. i miss people...

Damn it. Damn it. Ugh, argggg.................

It wont go away. Sometimes (like when I am alone, in the mountains) I don't notice that it is still there. I forget and fall in love with the moment (which is probably healthier). I start swearing - joyously - proclaiming my love for everything, and anything that will listen. I'll stand there and listen to the wind blow softly through the snow as flakes drift down from above. I'll look for animal tracks. Deer, moose, big-horned sheep, mountain goats, rabbits, coyotes, mountain lions, foxes, squirrels... The snow is deep, now... at least four feet up Rock Canyon. Hard for the big animals to move around. Brother bear is now sleeping for the winter. With snow and snowshoes, I can find places far removed from humans. These places are where I fall in love with the moment. But down here... in the community... with people everywhere... I realize that I miss Nicole. It's a strange void, one that I've never had before... one that can not be filled. And, though it's only been a month and a half since I told her that I could no longer see her... it feels like a lifetime of suffering. I don't like silence and separation. I don't like conflict. I don't hold grudges. I don't hate. I loathe suffering... whether mine, or someone else's.
But, this is out of my control. I told her that I didn't trust myself... and she told me that I should. I told her that I didn't trust her, and she told me that I could... I told her how I felt for her... she told me how she felt for me... and then (almost immediately) she stopped coming around regularly. then she started seeing another guy... i don't trust people... i don't trust myself... i am sad. i miss nicole.

Monday Morning Blues.

So, it's Monday morning. Blah. I didn't have time to eat breakfast, I am out of coffee and, well... I'm out of coffee.

The Weekend.

Friday night was a blast. I drank way too much, but it was good for me (I think). I haven't overindulged for months. 2 & ½ white guys were fabulous, as always. The bar was so packed that they had to turn people away at the door. I hope the people I invited, who did not show, were not turned away. I guess I'll find out through the course of the day (since most of those I invited work with me). I invited quite a few Mormon people, and they all showed up! Natalia, LaRyn, Joci, and Ryan all seemed to have a great time. I spent most of the evening dancing and checking up on people. I had this terrible fear that the girls would be hit on by filthy drunks... Not that they couldn't take care of themselves. Maybe it was me who was drunk and filthy and wanted to do all the flirting. "Hey, baby..." No. Just isn't me.
Saturday I went up to Salt Lake City for a movie with my friend Lucy Jane. Afterwards we went to a costume party thrown by her friend, Natasha. The costumes were cool, I guess... I didn't stay late enough to see anyone get naked. There is something about attending a party full of people I do not know, that really turns me off. I find myself participating in really small talk, or just listening. Most of the time the small talk is tolerable (if not embarrassing), but listening is most often unbearable. It seems that most conversations are about sex, or pop culture and both usually disgust me. I overheard a guy comment to two other guys that, "in California I'm Don Juan, but in Utah I'm a nobody." Interesting. I kept an eye on him the rest of the evening... he didn't approach, or talk to any women at the party. Some Don Juan. I like to talk about sex, and even pop culture sometimes... However, most conversations on the respective subjects tend to wallow in shallow waters. Lucy Jane kept asking me if there were any "cute, cool" girls that I found interesting. "No, not really..." "But, you seemed interested in the Power Puff girl?" "I think she was twelve, Lucy!" There were some beautiful girls there... September and a few others, but I wasn't really interested in meeting girls. I miss Nicole... and I hate feeling so lonely.
After Two nights of drinking I needed all of yesterday to recover. I took a really nice three hour nap yesterday afternoon, and went to bed around nine last night. I am well rested. Just wish today wasn't Monday.

Well, the day is almost done. I am trying to post something here, but have found that I have nothing real and honest to talk about. I'm feeling a bit sad this afternoon. I wish I could take Nicole, be her husband and best friend, and run into the sunset for eternity. Unfortunately, she won't have me. That's the life, eh? I guess I need to pack my emotions and move on to something else, even if the idea makes me nauseous. Matthew Wright called this afternoon. He moved to St Louis during the summer, and I had not heard from him (until today, that is). Matt is one of the beautiful people. I think so, anyway... Well, I am going to pack my laptop and head for the open highway home. It's cold out, and I'm sad....