kazatasupa

Damn it. Damn it. Ugh, argggg.................

It wont go away. Sometimes (like when I am alone, in the mountains) I don't notice that it is still there. I forget and fall in love with the moment (which is probably healthier). I start swearing - joyously - proclaiming my love for everything, and anything that will listen. I'll stand there and listen to the wind blow softly through the snow as flakes drift down from above. I'll look for animal tracks. Deer, moose, big-horned sheep, mountain goats, rabbits, coyotes, mountain lions, foxes, squirrels... The snow is deep, now... at least four feet up Rock Canyon. Hard for the big animals to move around. Brother bear is now sleeping for the winter. With snow and snowshoes, I can find places far removed from humans. These places are where I fall in love with the moment. But down here... in the community... with people everywhere... I realize that I miss Nicole. It's a strange void, one that I've never had before... one that can not be filled. And, though it's only been a month and a half since I told her that I could no longer see her... it feels like a lifetime of suffering. I don't like silence and separation. I don't like conflict. I don't hold grudges. I don't hate. I loathe suffering... whether mine, or someone else's.
But, this is out of my control. I told her that I didn't trust myself... and she told me that I should. I told her that I didn't trust her, and she told me that I could... I told her how I felt for her... she told me how she felt for me... and then (almost immediately) she stopped coming around regularly. then she started seeing another guy... i don't trust people... i don't trust myself... i am sad. i miss nicole.