kazatasupa

Things to do this weekend:

1. Take top off jeep
2. Finish taxes (e-file: refund will come soon)
3. Drink beer
4. Eat Indian food
5. Play guitar
6. Sit on balcony wondering, "how did it ever come to this?"
7. Dream selfish little dreams
8. Write letter to Marie (she hates me by now)
9. Dwell on the fact that in 31 days I will be 30 years old. Gulp.
10. Develop thick skin. Flip more (more? I don't flip anyone off to begin with) people off.
11. Drink copious amounts of coffee.
12. Sleep in (this should be done before #11)
13. Don't get depressed
14. Stop by Kenny's wedding
15. Write terrible poetry
16. Admit that you were wrong. Your cousin only wanted to take you to a hockey game (where he would ask you to go to church with him on Sunday).
17. Go Hiking
18. Devise a plan to make the whole world love every little thing about you (even your hairy chest).
19. Do not think one bad thing about self, starting.... now!
20. Relax... Good, lord my back is killing me.

Kenny: "My girlfriend thinks we're getting married next Saturday."
Me: "Oh, you're in deep shit."

I keep thinking back to Rothenberg's book... Improvise!!! Emotions are like mud: I get stuck in it and, after fitfully trying to get unstuck, I have to get out of the vehicle that got me there and walk to dryer ground.

I'm still spinning tires.

It's such a long process for me, but it is a process... I'm not stagnant, unmoving, pitifully pout-ful, useless (well...), unthinking, unmotivated, depressed, oppressed, selfish, negative, ugly, worthless... although, I might go through those moments, I am working towards a stronger me.

I'm improvising slowly.

This I know... I can never be quite as idealistic with love again. I'll never assume that, because I've asked a few simple questions, or made certain statements, that I am understood and/or safe... If, indeed this has been about religion, then I was caught completely off guard. I'll never allow myself to be caught in the whirl-wind of love again... I will constantly search for answers, and definitions. I can never be safe, nor can I stomach the idea of going through this again, ever. Fuck, sometimes I am so naive.

What I thought was possible, what I always dreamed of, has been shattered. The place I had been searching for my entire life: a safe-haven where, when there, everything in the world was perfect, has vanished in a nightmare and reality is the brisk morning air, bringing me back to a lonely world.

I've lost my faith in love, and now have only myself...

This is not her fault... and, although there are issues left unresolved (for me), I realize that my expectations were influenced by too many fairy tales.

Nietzsche: "God is Dead!"
Me: "Love is Dead!"

And, now I must get out and walk... The mud might be thick, and continue for a long distance, but I will find dryer ground... I will find my higher ground.

Leaving behind: a shattered world-view and, eventually, the fragments of the only unconditional love I will ever have. That is the vehicle that got me here.

What I will hold onto: My honesty. My dignity. The faith I have in myself. My sensitivity. My compassion. My ability to suffer. My ability to Love. My ability to see and cherish beauty. The capacity to love as much as I do (which I am beginning to think exceeds that of most mortals).

And, once have recovered, I will be a calloused old man... more wise in his dealings with other people and more fit for nature's cruel abuse. But, as of this day, I am still fragile little me... longing to be held in her arms, wanting to be safe all over again.

I only hope she knows how beautiful I honestly feel she is. She will never be a "beautiful memory," for she will always be sitting in the moment that grows through me. She is a special person... and, how I feel for her is a representation of everything I find amazing in this world. Because of this, I will always be her friend. I will always be here for her. I will always be...