Monday Morning Blues

I think I had a cinnamon roll yesterday. I can't remember eating anything else... I drank a lot of coffee. I walked all over town, listening to Norah Jones. I drove in circles. I cried all day (off and on). I left many people with the impression that I had cracked.

I was looking for signs.

One of my many stops at the coffee shop found Biloba reading my horoscope from the city weekly. Taurus:

Before going to sleep last night, I asked my subconscious mind to send me a dream with a useful symbolic message for you Tauruses. Near morning, I dreamed of caterpillars slowly but surely devouring the big bad wolf. When they were finished, the spun cocoons. After a while they emerged as giant yellow butterflies with the shape of bulls on their wings. Here's my dream interpretation: I believe you Tauruses are entering a phase when a young or "larval" part of your psyche will nibble a problem to death, setting the stage for a rebirth in which the problem will be transformed into a beautiful thing.

I hope so. I'm tired of hurting...

I need to find food... I haven't eaten yet today. Between Saturday's dinner at the Bombay House and this morning, I have lost 7 pounds. I'm just not hungry. My stomach is in knots...

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i can't help but feel like the bad person, here... like i've broken a law. my path has been decided for me. i have no choice... i love and now i'm being punished. there is nothing i can do, or say.

i'm helpless.

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Picture hanging...

My blues have been temporarily released. Of course, my head is floating away from me due to a lack of food...

It's going to get worse, I know. I'm going to get lonely. I'm going to need her, and she isn't going to be there. I really wasn't prepared for this. I thought something else was going on, and she needed space. I tried to comply, but I didn't know it was me. I had fears, but thought I was just being paranoid and tried to not think about it. I was blind sided, stunned...

I'm stupid.

I don't like having ugly thoughts. They're self-defeating.

"What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger" - Nietzsche
"What doesn't kill me, still hurts like hell" - Me

I'm still going to love her. I don't have a choice... that's who I am. I can't stop loving. I can't.

I should stop dreaming. My dreams don't come true. Never have...

When I was younger, my mother would walk away from me when I would try to hug her. People walk away. That's life. People leave...

Nothing is as it should be. Nothing is forever.

Suffering

Here's a heart warming story about the human endeavor: Priests.

Everyone is vulnerable.

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How long can a 225 pound guy live by eating only fire-balls? Any guesses?

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If she wanted to be with me, she would be.

That's how I understand love. It allows you to be with people, to see their inner-most beauty... Love transcends things, it allows one to overcome, it puts light in dark places... it moves the world I stand in.

When I say, "I love you," it means that, no matter what you do... I will be there. It means that my heart belongs to you, despite all differences... it means that I support you, even when my opinions, or beliefs differ from yours.

Love moves people to do extraordinary things... it accomplishes so much. It means so much. When I say, "I love you," it is absolute and pure. It means that the most beautiful feelings I have are moving though me, and they are because of you.

This is my definition of love. It means everything to me.

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i was in the bathroom, washing my hands, when i looked into the mirror and noticed these wild eye-brow hairs. they're just doing their own thing... sticking out this way, and that way... very disrespectful of the others. i think i like them.

Thank You

Everyone... I know I've been cracking, but I think I'm okay now. I'm sure I'll still be crying... but, I've started eating again (ryn made me).

There is a reason why I've been feeling this way... and I wouldn't change how I feel for anything. She's doing what she knows is right, and I cannot fault her for that... I want her to be happy on her own terms.

She is the most beautiful person I've known, and I feel blessed to have her friendship... Everyone should be half as lucky as I... to have spent so many wonderful moments with such an amazing person. I have no regrets.

The most amazing thing happened to me today. We sat in the office suite, talking... and she took all the anxiety, all the worry, all the sadness out of my heart.

I know my heart will still ache, but I'm done cracking...

Thank you, everyone... for your love.

on my way

over to jason call's.

i'm going to have him burn some jazz cds for me. hey, anyone out there listen to jazz? if so, who is your favorite artist? recommend, recommend...

thanks.