kazatasupa: (fatherson)
went to the doctor yesterday for a physical and today for blood tests.

the physical went okay. he touched my testicles, made me cough, and proclaimed everything to be well.

the blood test results will be in monday, or tuesday. i was worried about diabetes, but the doctor seemed confident enough to tell me that the tests wouldn't show that to be the case. however, they're testing for other things as i am always fatigued, unable to focus and having extreme difficulty in dealing with anxiety and stress. i've also had spells of lightheadedness, nausea, upset stomach, depression, and instances when my heart will start a thunderous roll through my chest.

i need to get into better shape. he even told me that i could lose some weight. "yea," i said "i know." half the reason i haven't been working out (the other half is that i've been lazy) is the fear for my health. i don't want to take any risks with strenuous exercise while i don't know whether or not something is wrong with my body.

he prescribed fluoxetine to help me with stress. he told me that the little pills would help refresh my neurotransmitters and within a month i should be able to deal with stress and anxiety. i picked up the pills at the pharmacist, drove to the school, took a pill and went to work. after a while i noticed that i was getting fidgety, so i got up from my desk and started talking to the people i work with. i felt awkwardly giddy - and even happy, if only in the most odd sort of way. i thought it possible that mood swings might be a side effect common in the usage of the medication i had just swallowed, so i looked "fluoxetine" up on the internet only to find that i had been given a generic form of prozac.

what the fuck?

i've heard that prozac was easy to get, but a fucking doctor tricking me into taking it? that's the oddest thing i've ever heard of. now... in light of my awareness of finding it odd, i've also thought (in the past) that maybe i needed medication, or simple therapeutic space in which i could work out the problems that were ailing me. i do get depressed. i can get into a mental space that really challenges my will to exist. and, quite frankly, i've been feeling like shit for quite sometime. so, if it helps, it helps... if not, then fine.

one thing i've noticed already is that when i get tired, i am completely wiped out. i have a terrible time maintaining anything resembling focus. and, last night being the first, i slept for a solid 10 and 1/2 hours. i've also noticed that i am more social, get bored more easily, and my mind cycles through thoughts fewer times than normal.

i'm tired. wiped out.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
wtf -

i swear to god there are two distinctly different people living in my head sometimes. there's the one who absolutely loves who i am and the other who can't stand who i am.

they're polar opposites... and the one who hates me causes a slew of internal problems which lead to external difficulties... the embarrassing part is that i know the me that gets depressed, is self depreciating, and generally an ass to be around. i know that "me" to (generally speaking) be a short-term occupant of my body and that, when i wake in the morning, i'll feel fine.

for me, getting depressed is usually a symptom of not enough sleep. i slept for 10 hours last night (had some catching up to do) and feel fine. i knew, last night as i wrote in l.j. and composed a few e-mails, that was the case. i should have gone to sleep and left things alone.

now... to contact those whom i may have worried with my e-mails last night.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i'd be better off if i didn't find myself engaged in people. i'd be better off if i didn't like, or love them unconditionally. i'm not the christ... i do care what people think and it hurts when they treat me like shit.

and, i have a deep love for people as i stand alone. distant...

i really am nothing.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
depressed, and the ethan hawke song, "nothing" keeps repeating through my head.

"i'm nothing. yea, that's me."
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i think my deepest thoughts are disturbing. my current disposition - aided by a quite mind, unmotivated, and unchallenged - is fueled by a settled ignorance. i don't want to know... and i'm happier this way.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
pacified - i'm stoned (not high, but numb). i can't feel beauty anymore. i've been drinking too much... trying to feel beauty again and i can not dream at night. i wondered, today as i wanted to piss on the world, if i've only been fooling myself; painting broken smiles? have i only had a bad day, or am i blowing smoke on shattered mirrors?

why do people hurt me so much? and, why can't i be simon's rock? why am i not an island (if only for tonight)?
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Why am I here? It's too late... it's too late. But, I'm restless and angry. The feeling is in my gut, and I'm squinting my eyes at everyting, like I have a personal score to settle with objects. Yes, objects! I'm tired of trying to work through this damn identitiy / mid-life / self-loathing / lonly-trip crisis. The course of each day presents me with reoccuring themes built (by me, i'm sure) only to destroy my ability to be me. I'm lost, I'm lonely and I'm disconnected. Somewhere in there you'll find unhappy between the lines.

I want more from life and I've been settling for so little.

That's all. I don't know if that is an epiphany, or just late-night scribbles from a mad-man. I hope a little of both. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Call me if you have a moment, and feel like talking...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i've been trying to think of a good way to say i'm fucking miserable. but, when i say it that way, i develop a deep laugh from the bottom of my soul and don't feel as desperate... it's almost evil. yes, i'm evil. i am more confused, hurt, lonely, sad, spiteful, upset, irritable, grumpy, cranky, pissed off, sick, disappointed, and defiant than i have ever been in my life. ever. ever. i'm harboring hatred for things, as well... something i have never done before. i can't hate people, but i can hate things... i find that easy.

i hate: religion, automobiles, stoplights (yea, go figure), politics, academia, fashion, shakira (not the artist, but the art), pompousness, inflated ego, class systems, money, rent, bills (etc.), mcdonalds (and the like), smog, two-stroke engines, quad-runners, jet skis, poachers (unless they're super poor people in need of food), any individual who would shoot a grizzly bear, corruption, people who hurt people, ignorance, fist fights, dishonesty, lies, coming to work, work, getting off work, going home, having a home (specifically my apartment), not having space, not having love in my space, hangovers, etc...

there's more, but i'm running out of time here...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Last night I slept well... The nights immediately before, I had to take sleeping aides in order to fall asleep. I've been bothered by the fact that in the last seven years my father has only called me 2 times. My mother has called me only a handful of times in the last year, and that is average.

I feel like such a fucking burden to people. I feel like, if I stopped calling family and friends, I would fall off the planet. This year has been fucked up emotionally...

I am not strong.

I need to belong to someone, or thing that doesn't cast me away. I feel fucking useless.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I'm not feeling interesting, or interested in anything today. I can't tell if I'm just tired, or even a little sad.

I'd like to take a nap while listening to some soft jazz...

*sigh*

work

Apr. 25th, 2002 11:27 am
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
this is the last place i want to be. i'd prefer a heavy rock... i just want to hide.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
scratching and clawing...

so, I've written and erased about 2000 words in the last hour. I've covered a lot of negative things... and, like a Buddhist sand mural, I've given my art to the wind. gone.

and, i've reached a conclusion too: i'm not a good person. in fact, i'm a piece of shit. there... no more confusion. now, everything makes sense to me. now, i can make decisions and move on.

i'm tired. i could use some rest. goodnight.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
The most fun I have had lately is driving around, top off the jeep, red knit hat on my head, singing counting crows' songs at the top of my lungs.

I should do something more productive, but the only thing I can do to lift my spirits is sing along, or drink coffee...

And, although - at this very moment - I feel rather indifferent to the outside world, I know I'm really depressed... I haven't felt this way in years. In fact, I had fooled myself into thinking I had grown out of that person who would feel like this.

Its been eight years, or so... Since I packed my things, said goodbye to everyone, then left for a career in the Marines (who promptly kicked me out for faulty skin).

That's the last time I felt like a fuck-up. That's the last time I was so in tuned, and tuned out. That's the last time I was this sad. That's the last time I had so many questions...

Depression

Mar. 29th, 2002 11:44 am
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
These mood swings are draining...

I can't shake it. And, yesterday I felt almost fine... today, I feel physically removed from the world. Invisible, irritable and worthless. I can't touch things, or people... I can barely see them. I haven't the energy to force myself inside. Feeling isolated... and I don't want company.

I'm tired and not able to sleep.

I'm stressed and my stomach is in knots. I've tried to eat, to dull the pain... but, it feels like my intestines are constricting all my vital organs (is that possible?)

I'm going to give myself a hug.

Ahhh...
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Work keeps piling up on my desk. I'll have to do it in the morning, I suppose. I'm having such a difficult time wanting to do anything that I almost find satisfaction in not doing work. Yes, yes... I am satisfied with nothing done.

:::leans back, hands behind head, smiling:::
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Sometimes I feel useless. At least I made my bed this morning.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Well, the day is almost done. I am trying to post something here, but have found that I have nothing real and honest to talk about. I'm feeling a bit sad this afternoon. I wish I could take Nicole, be her husband and best friend, and run into the sunset for eternity. Unfortunately, she won't have me. That's the life, eh? I guess I need to pack my emotions and move on to something else, even if the idea makes me nauseous. Matthew Wright called this afternoon. He moved to St Louis during the summer, and I had not heard from him (until today, that is). Matt is one of the beautiful people. I think so, anyway... Well, I am going to pack my laptop and head for the open highway home. It's cold out, and I'm sad....
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
It's been a while. I haven't had much to say, which is not to say that I have had anything to say previously. I just haven't felt like writing. I'm sitting here, at my work desk, drinking cold coffee (four shots of espresso in a 16 oz cup topped off with Kenya AA - Medium roast), wondering how I can get so fucking depressed. Something is wrong. I'm out of shape, emotionally and physically. I need to see a psychiatrist who, instead of putting me on a couch, makes me step onto a stair master. I've been obsessed with an inner conflict concerning the material, non-material and authenticity. This isn't a Cartesian problem of mind/body dualism, but a social problem. I wonder how, or if, the social phenomena of popular influence interferes with my goal of being aesthetically independent. I've been hung up on this search for independence in a dependent world. It's maddening, really... and perhaps I should let it go. My fear of being abandoned by the moving parts of society has left me wanting to abandon society. How rational is that? Fear is a funny thing... it's like looking at an empty glass, and finding yourself afraid of the water that isn't there. I should focus less on culture and more on conquering that which builds my mental/emotional blocks. I shouldn't mind the influence others have on me... it's not like I am being led by sheep. Influence isn't in and of itself a bad thing... it's a necessary stimuli to creativity. Okay... enough. I'm going hiking alone. It's too bad the pioneers of Utah drove the local population of Grizzly Bears to extinction. Old Ephriam, the last Grizzly of Utah, was killed in 1924 (I believe). I wouldn't mind a dance in the woods... I wouldn't mind that at all.

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