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(no subject)
Apr. 30th, 2002 05:22 pmfeeling stupid and not human. going to go home and eat out of the dog's dish.
A Lesson in Unconditional Love
Apr. 28th, 2002 03:04 pmSivvy has a good point: "Fears lie."
In the tangled mess that is my mind, I fear being alone. I fear the rejection of me. I fear that I am not worthy of love. I fear that it will always be returned to me in a, "thanks, but no thanks," fashion.
I fear that I will always be that one person who is not good enough for the rest of the world.
Recent events have only reinforced that fear.
I want so badly for people to feel how much love I have. And, I don't want it given back to me... I want it to be good enough. Love has always been my God. Love is the only thing I have...
Fear takes the bottom out of my world. It makes everything unstable, and creates an environment in which I am helpless. I have felt helpless, lost, lonely, worthless, insignificant, ugly, evil, and outside.
I have laid awake, many nights, questioning the validity of my existence. I have struggled with the inclination to believe that I am nothing. That what I feel is only important to me, and that if I feel this bad, then perhaps my life is worthless. This line of thinking has only validated my fear.
Fears lie. Thank you, Sivvy...
I feel liberated.
Now, to stop being afraid....
In the tangled mess that is my mind, I fear being alone. I fear the rejection of me. I fear that I am not worthy of love. I fear that it will always be returned to me in a, "thanks, but no thanks," fashion.
I fear that I will always be that one person who is not good enough for the rest of the world.
Recent events have only reinforced that fear.
I want so badly for people to feel how much love I have. And, I don't want it given back to me... I want it to be good enough. Love has always been my God. Love is the only thing I have...
Fear takes the bottom out of my world. It makes everything unstable, and creates an environment in which I am helpless. I have felt helpless, lost, lonely, worthless, insignificant, ugly, evil, and outside.
I have laid awake, many nights, questioning the validity of my existence. I have struggled with the inclination to believe that I am nothing. That what I feel is only important to me, and that if I feel this bad, then perhaps my life is worthless. This line of thinking has only validated my fear.
Fears lie. Thank you, Sivvy...
I feel liberated.
Now, to stop being afraid....
(no subject)
Apr. 26th, 2002 06:33 pmIn the last two weeks I have been referred to as: vain, egotistical and arrogant.
In the eyes of these few people I am idle, worthless, useless, and have undue or excessive pride in my appearance or achievements. My self interest is the actual motive of all my conscious actions. And, I exaggerate my own worth.
The people who told informed me of these faults are very dear to me. I trust their judgment and opinion... but vain, egotistical and arrogant? In my life, I have achieved little, if anything worthwhile. I am comfortable in how I look, but that is only because I think most, if not all men are ugly. Psychologically, I am not competing against anyone. I don't care about looks. I believe that we are all motivated by self-interest. Surely, one would not make a conscious action to hurt oneself (unless the dividends outweighed the hurt). And, I don't think I exaggerate my own worth. If anything, I am constantly attacking my worth. I sit here, day in-day out, with the knowledge that I am capable of doing so much more.
I am confident in what I know I can do. But, many times that same confidence waivers... I am fallible. I am not perfect. No one knows this more than me, myself.
It is painful to think that I have misrepresented myself this way. I need to listen to how I communicate to others. The fact that as a youth I was so shy, so easily embarrassed, so afraid of rejection and lacking self-worth might have led me to build walls that secure me from that image. I do not think of myself as vain, egotistical or arrogant. I am a simple person... who likes, and is confident within, himself.
What pains me (and what was pointed out to me just yesterday) is that I have hurt people with my attitude. I am not that self absorbed... really!!! I am dense sometimes... Shit, I need to pay attention to how I'm acting...
This really bothers me.
In the eyes of these few people I am idle, worthless, useless, and have undue or excessive pride in my appearance or achievements. My self interest is the actual motive of all my conscious actions. And, I exaggerate my own worth.
The people who told informed me of these faults are very dear to me. I trust their judgment and opinion... but vain, egotistical and arrogant? In my life, I have achieved little, if anything worthwhile. I am comfortable in how I look, but that is only because I think most, if not all men are ugly. Psychologically, I am not competing against anyone. I don't care about looks. I believe that we are all motivated by self-interest. Surely, one would not make a conscious action to hurt oneself (unless the dividends outweighed the hurt). And, I don't think I exaggerate my own worth. If anything, I am constantly attacking my worth. I sit here, day in-day out, with the knowledge that I am capable of doing so much more.
I am confident in what I know I can do. But, many times that same confidence waivers... I am fallible. I am not perfect. No one knows this more than me, myself.
It is painful to think that I have misrepresented myself this way. I need to listen to how I communicate to others. The fact that as a youth I was so shy, so easily embarrassed, so afraid of rejection and lacking self-worth might have led me to build walls that secure me from that image. I do not think of myself as vain, egotistical or arrogant. I am a simple person... who likes, and is confident within, himself.
What pains me (and what was pointed out to me just yesterday) is that I have hurt people with my attitude. I am not that self absorbed... really!!! I am dense sometimes... Shit, I need to pay attention to how I'm acting...
This really bothers me.
(no subject)
Apr. 11th, 2002 01:59 amscratching and clawing...
so, I've written and erased about 2000 words in the last hour. I've covered a lot of negative things... and, like a Buddhist sand mural, I've given my art to the wind. gone.
and, i've reached a conclusion too: i'm not a good person. in fact, i'm a piece of shit. there... no more confusion. now, everything makes sense to me. now, i can make decisions and move on.
i'm tired. i could use some rest. goodnight.
so, I've written and erased about 2000 words in the last hour. I've covered a lot of negative things... and, like a Buddhist sand mural, I've given my art to the wind. gone.
and, i've reached a conclusion too: i'm not a good person. in fact, i'm a piece of shit. there... no more confusion. now, everything makes sense to me. now, i can make decisions and move on.
i'm tired. i could use some rest. goodnight.
