kazatasupa: (Default)
My son has his first "real" cold. He woke about 4 this morning unable to breathe. Marie got up with him for an hour, then handed him off to me. I sat with him propped up against my chest and quietly sang as he fell back asleep. His rattle and wheeze dissipated into quite breathing as I whispered sweet nothings into his ear. He woke a bit after 7, which allowed me little time to drink coffee and prepare for work. I guzzled my joe, and barrelled through the morning routines, making it to work with seconds to spare.

I've never felt a love so profound and a rushed morning has never been so worth it.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)


Above is a view from Thorn's Lair, looking at my backyard.

It snowed last night, which put a damper on the plans to ride my bike.  So, it's almost two in the afternoon, and I'm still in my pajamas. Though I may be sipping coffee, listening to Thelonious monk and Live-Journaling at this moment, I haven't been completely lazy today.  The wife and I did spend a the better part of this morning cleaning house for the last time until our baby is delivered.

Since the house is now ready, I've escaped to Thorn's to jot a few things down while the wife is resting.  Tomorrow we will travel to town for a doctor's appointment followed by a pre-op at the hospital and delivery is scheduled for Wednesday morning.

I have a number of goals to accomplish while off work for the next month to month and a half:
-Bond with the baby.
-Help Marie in her recovery from Cesarean Section
-Put in gravel driveway
-Fix sprinklers
-Prepare for and plant Marie's garden
-Post to Livejournal every day
-Ride Mountain bike every day (weather permitting)
-Plant fruit tree in front yard
-Finish reading Kerouac's Big Sur and revisit Dharma Bums.
-Drink copious amounts of coffee

I guess I ought to get moving.  I still need to pack my bedroll for the couple of nights we'll be in the hospital.  I also want to check my camera's batteries and pack the laptop.  It might be time to change my attire for the day...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
should be studying.

thinking about coffee and guitar. something, anyway. i'm wasting my saturday away...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Now, to learn about Gottlob Frege, figure out Funky Monks, or get another cup of coffee...

So many questions, so little time.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
a quad: four shots of espresso in a large coffee. i'm wired, but can't knock this monday morning sluggishness. keeping a quick beat as i slap my thighs with drumming hands, my eyes are barely open slits... my body is this morning's paradox: wide awake sleeping.

anyway

Jun. 1st, 2002 03:26 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
the storm outside has passed, and perhaps so too is my inner turmoil (we'll see). now, it's time to get a cup of coffee...

*sigh*
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Sleeping pills, stimulants (coffee) and the fact that I am getting fatter lead me to one conclusion:

I'm turning into Elvis.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
a long day at work, interrupted by a long nap, interrupted by the urge to drink coffee and finish a book. if this is all there is to life, then i'm an accomplished individual. i've done it all.

i'm thinking about making this a friends only journal.

hmmm...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Need to get money from bank... Need coffee... Need...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
50 miles an hour at 6:20 in the morning with temperatures barely over freezing. Nearly forty minutes later, my fingers are still slow to move. The coffee shop, not open until 7 in the morning, supplied the beans (last night) and here I sit, sipping a fresh pot of french pressed Kenya AA.

Life isn't too bad, really. I kind of like it.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Waiting on Biloba. We're going to brave the elements in search of a good cup of joe.

I'm stressed out. My back is tense... Argg....
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
just feeling, no thoughts... and, i think it's good.

i do wish it were clear outside, and a bit warmer. i drove home last night, as the sun was preparing itself to fall into the western horizon... pink mountains stood and orange clouds hung over the valley. i leaned my head against the seat of my jeep, looking straight up at a seagull flying over me. i was very happy.

i am well aware of the fact that i need a cup of coffee. perhaps it is time for a break? yes... sure.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
It's a Bob Marley morning... B.M. mornings are good.

I was late for work this morning. I know I'm not the only person who has issues with daylight savings, but I slept through 40 minutes of loud Blood Sugar Sex Magik. I guess I needed the beauty sleep... I don't think it worked.

I like having the top off my jeep, but it's so cold in the morning (and the forecast is for rain tonight and tomorrow). I've also learned from past experience, that taking the hard-top off your jeep is the surest way to insure late spring snowfall...

Shit. I need another cup of coffee.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Things to do this weekend:

1. Take top off jeep
2. Finish taxes (e-file: refund will come soon)
3. Drink beer
4. Eat Indian food
5. Play guitar
6. Sit on balcony wondering, "how did it ever come to this?"
7. Dream selfish little dreams
8. Write letter to Marie (she hates me by now)
9. Dwell on the fact that in 31 days I will be 30 years old. Gulp.
10. Develop thick skin. Flip more (more? I don't flip anyone off to begin with) people off.
11. Drink copious amounts of coffee.
12. Sleep in (this should be done before #11)
13. Don't get depressed
14. Stop by Kenny's wedding
15. Write terrible poetry
16. Admit that you were wrong. Your cousin only wanted to take you to a hockey game (where he would ask you to go to church with him on Sunday).
17. Go Hiking
18. Devise a plan to make the whole world love every little thing about you (even your hairy chest).
19. Do not think one bad thing about self, starting.... now!
20. Relax... Good, lord my back is killing me.

e-mail

Mar. 30th, 2002 08:42 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
wrote ryn an e-mail. she's in vegas (still, i think) and i haven't heard from her in a while. i want such good things to happen for her that i've had my fingers crossed the whole time she has been down there.

i think my body and soul have finally bottomed out, and i am on the way up (i hope). i cannot remember ever being so emotional over someone. i do wish things were different... i do. i am amazed at how beautiful i think she is...

*sigh*

my eyes are heavy... i've been running around all day and did a good deal of cleaning as well. it's nice to have a bit of my motivation back. i feel really decent.

time to get a cup of coffee, maybe rent a movie (my brother tells me "pushing tin" is a must see), or visit with Jared... perhaps all three?
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Staying in Utah, getting a studio (or one bedroom apartment), living alone, continue working at the library, complete my degree in Integrated Studies (keeping Philosophy as a emphasis and use Music Theory as another. This would mean learning something entirely new and exciting. I will take guitar lessons and learn to play the saxophone), become completely anti-social and work... work... work.

I just feel like turning inward, tuning people out...

I'm also thinking about applying for a job at the coffee shop (they're hiring). I could only work part-time, but it would be valuable experience, as I do plan on owning a coffee house someday.

That's it. I'm not happy as things are now... and, if I don't change, if I don't change...

I'm just getting more depressed.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I'm still exhausted, but did get some sleep last night. I feel like I can start sleeping again (fingers crossed).

I called my mother yesterday in search of my brother's phone number...

I called Willie and left a message. He called me and left a message. I called him again, and was fortunate to catch him. We talked for about 50 minutes. He invited me out west for a vacation. I'm digesting my thoughts on everything in the universe right now... it was much more simple when the cosmos existed in Sagan's basketball. I'd like to spend some time with him, though... that would be very nice.

My dad called me later. He told me that I was a really good person, which really felt good to hear. He gave me my brother's number (which was busy all night long).

I walked down to juice and java for an early-evening cup of coffee. Once there, I called Megan and Natalia to see if they would like to come visit me. Both obliged and were there in a matter of minutes. Natalia is in the middle of an argument with her boyfriend. They're not talking. Megan is dealing with an ex who is thinking about moving to Utah...

Everyone has relationship issues.

Eventually, Natalia left for home... Megan and I continued to sit outside for a while, then Ryn came by for a hot chocolate. I walked over to her car, she asked me if I wanted a warm seat.... I did.

She drove us out to Utah Lake where we sat and talked for a long while. I tried to express myself as well as I possibly could (that's all I can do, really). I asked a few questions, and listened to her answers and what she thought... I listened to what she wanted, her wishes...

Still doomed.

I think I've dreamt about this girl my whole life... I'm an honest person, and I'm not confused about anything in regards to my feelings for her. For me, there is truth in love... I'm overwhelmed in comfort and joy when with her, and then, in her absence... well...

We drove back into town, she purchased some Nestlie Crunch ice cream bars, and then back to my apartment, where she allowed me to hold her and, in turn, she caressed my heart...

I'm sorry, Ryn... for being so difficult. It's just that I can breathe when I am with you.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
i just realized how sad my last post sounded... i'm not sad, just bored. shit.

i was fortunate to get off from work really early this afternoon. i did get to see ryn for a second, but we really didn't get to talk. she had the coolest (cutest) pants on. corduroy!!!

jared was visiting with megan and jody when i got home. she invited me to breakfast (at 1:30 pm)... for which she offered to pay. having not had a think to eat for nearly 24 hours, i accepted. so, the four of us went to a mexican restaurant which had an amazing plate of huevos rancheros.

after the late breakfast, i went home to nap... but, jason called and woke me. when i tried to go back to sleep the neighbors started playing japanese pop music full blast. i guess there is no rest for the wicked (why does ozzy have to be right?).

now, i'm off to see jason. he has a business proposition for me, i guess. he's interested in investing money into a coffee shop. we'll see... i'm not sure i can commit to anything in Utah... just not sure.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I'm feeling grungy. I showered last night, so I didn't think I would miss a shower this morning. I'm down to my last pair of socks, and am wearing my UVSC Library shirt with my army green pants and big hiking boots. I did wear my favorite knit hat this morning... hmmm.. clothes.

I ate the last of my food yesterday (four bean and cheese burritos) and am feeling fat. How's that? No breakfast, a bit of nasty coffee (I've finally been forced to drink the pre-packaged ground coffee that the director of the library brought me for christmas -ugh!), and I feel fat. Whatever.

I'm dehydrated... should fill my water bottle and drink.

I'm tired as hell... couldn't sleep well last night.

I've been listening to David Rothenberg's "Sudden Music" Cd. It comes in the back sleeve of his book. The track I'm listening to is a recording of David playing his flute in a bird sanctuary... as the birds sing back to him. Beautiful. I want to play flute too.

I had to take time this morning to visit Joc in the art building. She and her classmates took pictures of my nasty-ass (figuratively - my ass stayed in my pants), while they played with light and shutter speed. And, despite feeling fat, bloated, stinky and ugly... I feel beautiful.

I spent a lot of time playing basket ball by myself when I was a teen. East Burney Elememtry School black top hosted a number of NBA championship games. I almost always led the Lakers to the title against Bird, and his Celtics. I was the best basketball player in the world back then.

At an even younger age, I owned a gourmet mud-pie restaurant.. where the best damned mud-pies in the world were cooked on the pavement in front of my parent's house.

So, I'm beautiful, I've led the Lakers to many black-top championships, and cooked a damned good mud-pie. I'm very comfortable living inside of my skin... I am confidently me.

Fat, bloated, stinky and ugly...
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
received another e-mail from willie. i'm falling behind... need to write him. how's tomorrow sound? we'll see. i've been extraordinarily busy... no time to do anything (or, so it seems)...

so,
i'm on my way to slc, but don't really want to go.

ryn is in logan, visiting her sister for the weekend. i miss her. if i could hold her in my arms for eternity, i would.

i went to bed last night at nine, woke this morning at nine... went for coffee, to the bank, to the store, paid rent, fixed the door on my jeep and the fuel leak. now i can register the damn thing.

now, up to see jason call and have dinner. we're going to a jazz bar in search of entertainment.

drive, man.. drive.

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