Haunted

Feb. 21st, 2002 08:00 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I've remembered why I first doubted the existence of God. It was the fat kid, feeling lonely, having always struggled to feel loved, wanting to feel God's love, wanting to be saved.

It was the realization that God could never make me feel love that planted the first seeds of doubt...

If anything, my God should be love.

I use to cry myself to sleep because I could not feel loved.

I've been walking the streets of Provo this evening, with my headphones on, thinking about my life... and each lit window, down every street, I see a person kneeling to God, praying... feeling loved.

I love... and remembering how I used to be brings a bit of sadness... but I love, and I love me, and tonight I'll sleep well... yet, still haunted by a God who should be love.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Jocelin is asking me questions about religion.

I like answering them, but I'm not sure that I like writing about it here... I guess, only because the subject is something I do not understand well. I understand what it means to feel spiritual and I understand what love feels like (although, sometimes I am really surprised by my capacity to feel).

I do not understand spirituality through books, buildings, or community...

I understand trees, and the wind, and the glow of a warm fire...

I understand holding someone I care about.

I understand being held.

I understand not understanding...

I am comfortable this way.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Perhaps this is sad, and pathetic... but, I am addicted to e-mail. I'm going through fits as I only seem to get work-related messages... where are my friends?

I wish the storm (there is a storm coming, isn't there?) would blow in. I'm sitting at my desk, looking out over Utah lake... but, not able to see through all the gunk in the air. It's settled thickly over the lake, blocking any view of the mountains that I might have.
I understand the inherent problems of living in a "fishbowl," but am really more concerned with the aesthetic, my aesthetic... I want my damn mountains!!! A storm would blow all the nasty, hazy, gritty air (to some other place). It's a shame that it has to go somewhere... it doesn't just vanish, or disappear... out of sight, out of mind. "It's a nice day," only means that our waste has been pushed somewhere else. It does go somewhere else.
There are too many people with too many cars and too many agendas. I can't help but think that we're doomed... our existence, as it is, is not sustainable. Humans really are foolishly ignorant... we all are. I am.
While I was home, Chata argued that he could not believe in genetic mutations. How could you not? He also told me that he couldn't believe in every thing in the bible - he picks what is most agreeable, I suppose... but then, when I talked about people who made literal readings vs. those who make figurative readings he said, "people who make figurative readings are wrong." "What!?!" "Their wrong..." "How so," I asked? "The bible says that all words within are the true words of God." "Then how do you pick what to believe, and what not to believe?"

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I just wish I could see the mountains.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I thought that waking to Bing Crosby would be nice and warm. Six-twenty in the morning... Chestnuts roasting on an open.... -snooze- -snooze- -snooze-... seven fifteen in the morning... Chaos.

Late for work (again).

Didn't have time to walk for coffee... I had to crash through the shop in a frenzied hurry. "I need two shots. Two. Two!!"

Ahh... Juice and Java employees are so kind to me. Even if Candice doesn't like me... she tolerates me and pretends to be happy to see me. However, it is obvious that (at times) I rub her wrong. For instance, the other day, I reported to her that I had gone out Sunday and cut a Pagan tree for Christmas. She just stood there, looking at me with a disgusted look... "what's a pagan tree?" "Uh... a Christmas tree... same thing, only for pagans!" End of conversation. She wouldn't talk to me after that, and her body language was uncomfortable at best. It seems really strange, as Christmas is an ultra-pagan holiday. I understand that even the traditional Christmas tree may come from ancient pagan traditions in which the tree was revered as a holy symbol. We are intertwined in a dynamic web... there's room for every one, even pagan-Christmas celebrations - don't you think?

So, am I Christian? Am I Buddhist? Am I Muslim? Am I Jain? Am I Hindu? Am I Jew? Am I Wiccan? Am I, am I, am I.... Maybe I'm just a bit of everything and nothing at all... Maybe I just am.

I am creation. I am love. I am sustained, for the moment and in complete control... I am, as Peter Tosh sings, that I am.

It is supposed to snow 5-9 inches tonight, which means Provo/Orem will get a light dusting. I hope to get some pictures of the city under the siege of a winter storm this evening... if not, I have the rest of winter.

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