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Apr. 26th, 2002 06:33 pmIn the last two weeks I have been referred to as: vain, egotistical and arrogant.
In the eyes of these few people I am idle, worthless, useless, and have undue or excessive pride in my appearance or achievements. My self interest is the actual motive of all my conscious actions. And, I exaggerate my own worth.
The people who told informed me of these faults are very dear to me. I trust their judgment and opinion... but vain, egotistical and arrogant? In my life, I have achieved little, if anything worthwhile. I am comfortable in how I look, but that is only because I think most, if not all men are ugly. Psychologically, I am not competing against anyone. I don't care about looks. I believe that we are all motivated by self-interest. Surely, one would not make a conscious action to hurt oneself (unless the dividends outweighed the hurt). And, I don't think I exaggerate my own worth. If anything, I am constantly attacking my worth. I sit here, day in-day out, with the knowledge that I am capable of doing so much more.
I am confident in what I know I can do. But, many times that same confidence waivers... I am fallible. I am not perfect. No one knows this more than me, myself.
It is painful to think that I have misrepresented myself this way. I need to listen to how I communicate to others. The fact that as a youth I was so shy, so easily embarrassed, so afraid of rejection and lacking self-worth might have led me to build walls that secure me from that image. I do not think of myself as vain, egotistical or arrogant. I am a simple person... who likes, and is confident within, himself.
What pains me (and what was pointed out to me just yesterday) is that I have hurt people with my attitude. I am not that self absorbed... really!!! I am dense sometimes... Shit, I need to pay attention to how I'm acting...
This really bothers me.
In the eyes of these few people I am idle, worthless, useless, and have undue or excessive pride in my appearance or achievements. My self interest is the actual motive of all my conscious actions. And, I exaggerate my own worth.
The people who told informed me of these faults are very dear to me. I trust their judgment and opinion... but vain, egotistical and arrogant? In my life, I have achieved little, if anything worthwhile. I am comfortable in how I look, but that is only because I think most, if not all men are ugly. Psychologically, I am not competing against anyone. I don't care about looks. I believe that we are all motivated by self-interest. Surely, one would not make a conscious action to hurt oneself (unless the dividends outweighed the hurt). And, I don't think I exaggerate my own worth. If anything, I am constantly attacking my worth. I sit here, day in-day out, with the knowledge that I am capable of doing so much more.
I am confident in what I know I can do. But, many times that same confidence waivers... I am fallible. I am not perfect. No one knows this more than me, myself.
It is painful to think that I have misrepresented myself this way. I need to listen to how I communicate to others. The fact that as a youth I was so shy, so easily embarrassed, so afraid of rejection and lacking self-worth might have led me to build walls that secure me from that image. I do not think of myself as vain, egotistical or arrogant. I am a simple person... who likes, and is confident within, himself.
What pains me (and what was pointed out to me just yesterday) is that I have hurt people with my attitude. I am not that self absorbed... really!!! I am dense sometimes... Shit, I need to pay attention to how I'm acting...
This really bothers me.
