kazatasupa: (fatherson)
30... aint so bad.

people i am thankful for (in no particular order):

jared, megan, al, hav, willie, thorn, ryn (i'm glad you're staying), mom and dad, janice and jamie (morning coffee shop girls), nicole, cousin chris, aunt joyce, jeremy, marsha, shelby and cameron, jason... and there are others.

i am thankful for the above people, because they have made my life interestingly beautiful and continue to do so. in quiet contemplation intertwined with outward conversation, i have realized that i am blessed to have people touch me every day... and these are the people who touch me. Whether through a kind cup of joe, playful banter in the hot tub, or a phone call reminding me that i am cared for, i am surrounded by people whom care for me, and who i also care for...

i am blessed.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I'm losing my white-trash desk to chaos and entropy. It's an interesting phenomenon, and my head is just spaced-out and tired enough to think that art is actually trying to express itself through my things. I feel special.

I still want to cry when I think about it. It's strange for me, because I've never been emotional. I told my pops that this somehow feels healthy, like I've finally learned to mourn. I told him not to worry about me, because I know I am handling this the right way...

I gained some valuable insight into who my father is last night. I love it when he is honestly open and emotionally available to me. For most of my life I denied myself the right to feel that I belonged in any relationship, including that of a son. I fight that now... it's a terrible way to feel about yourself. It's disabling to feel that you are not capable of being loved.

It took me 25 years to appreciate who I am. I have had to teach myself to love me. I am just learning to let others love me as well.

I am thankful for my family, particularly my brother. I could never properly express my gratitude and love for him... but he should know. I think he is absolute and pure and amazing and beautiful. I also think he can be an asshole sometimes... but, I wouldn't have him any other way.

Life is worth celebrating.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
A strange day.

I made myself drunk over dinner (or was that lunch?), slept it off... went out with Chata, argued all evening and am now back at my parents house. Alone.

People disappoint me. Sometimes they're just not thoughtful. Other times, they just don't care... and I have a hard time differentiating between the two. I spent a good portion of my "drunk" time being upset with people... What a wonderful Christmas, eh?

Ah... Bah humbug!

I think it is too much to ask of people to sacrifice (if only a little). I've learned to be patient, and try to understand different perspectives. I am sensitive and take great care not to step on toes, or hurt others... I really would only ask that others do the same. But I can't. I'm alone in this world, and there really is no need to be sorrowful about it. "War is hell," my father is fond of saying...

"Celebrate this, asshole...."

I love life. And, the statement above was not directed at my father. It was directed at everyone, even myself...

I would never ask of anyone to appreciate those things I hold dear... I can only dream that there are people out there who do. My experience tells me that there are not.

I'm glad that I know some amazing people. They help keep me centered... I would quickly go insane without my friends. I would lose all stability without my family... I am not stable alone.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I was up late last night, writing e-mails and watching the snow fall... thinking too. I wasn't really prepared to have my pop wake me at six thirty this morning with, "you still want to go work out? If not, I'll let you sleep in." Arggg... I laid there for a moment, trying to decide if I wanted to get up or not... I guess I felt the need to work out and to see all the old men moving muscles. I forgot how small this town is. "All the old guys," my dad talks about equal about 2 and 1/2 people. So, I stepped on the lone, creepy stairmaster for 45 minutes. It was fun. One of the "old men" was Ron Schmidt... the first CHP officer to let me off for speeding without a ticket! I was eighteen at the time, he made me go tell my mother that I was a terrible driver. A couple of hours later he stopped by the cable office (where my mother was the manager) to make sure I had done as he said. I like small town people. I miss this place.

I'm going to the local library with my pops in a half hour. I need to see if there are any books on philosophy... Damn school, damn!!! I'd also like to look at the local history collection. I want to get to the bottom of the Samuel Burney myth... More on that later (if I have a chance). I also want to find some information on early historical places... may go up to the Fall River museum this week too.

Tomorrow I get to see my brother for the first time since last winter break.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
My mother is very involved with the chamber of commerce. There are a lot of empty store fronts in town, so she and another woman decorate them during the holidays with religious, or winter themes. There are a pair of old, rope tied snowshoes that in one window. I will have to steal them for a while, since I left my shoes in Provo. There is snow everywhere in the mountains here... I should have asked my father to look at Burney Mountain and tell me if it had snow. I just asked if there was snow around... "no, not much, really," he would answer. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

My father has saved my rum from last winter, "I did have a shot of it one day, after I went wood cutting, "he confessed. He's a light beer man.

I helped my mother and her friend decorate a store window with a nativity scene early this afternoon. My mom is amazing... she is so involved with the town. She even designs the chamber's web page. I really think she is a neat woman. My dad likes beer... he's cool too (and terribly bright, even if he is always wrong).

My brother had to leave his cat here, because his current landlords don't allow pets. The cat is shy, but warming up to me... this makes me happy.

Well, I'm off to visit my grandmother. She's old and stubborn, but just as neat as my mother.

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