(no subject)

I’m sitting in a small communications hut in a remote part of northern California.  It’s raining and cold outside, but I  have the door propped open due to the fact that I find it difficult to breath when it’s closed.  Two four foot fluorescent lights offer a little illumination to my dungy surroundings and I welcome what little natural light I can get in.  This 7 foot by 5 foot building is the final resting place for hundreds of flies, mosquitoes, spiders, and other bugs I am currently unwilling to identify.  The hum and rattle of communications equipment is all I can hear as I type away on my laptop.  I am waiting of a network engineer to return my call as we are trying to increase our bandwidth by moving our communications off of the copper spans that have fed this remote site for years and onto the newly installed fiber optic cable.  I am in hurry up and wait mode.

I am finding it difficult to focus lately.  I am consumed with thoughts about our soon to be born baby boy.  There are wishes and fears that come with being a first-time parent and the almighty Holy Fuck!  I’m going to be a dad is there too!  I’m also experiencing something I haven’t the words for and, while I find the feeling to be one of beauty and awe, I am otherwise having difficulty describing it.

Perhaps, for the first time in my life, I am feeling a real and genuine peacefulness in my heart.  I’ve always been terrified at the thought of being a parent, scared of the commitment needed in raising another human being and worried about losing the ability to live my life on my terms only.  With less than three weeks until our due date, and a real possibility that he can come at any time, I find myself quietly happier than I have ever been in my life.  I’m not scared or worried.  I’m grounded, in love and reveling in this chapter of life as it is being written.

I am pleasantly surprised at this version of myself.  I think I might stay here for a while…