(amendment to) truth

i wrote the following post because i was feeling guilty for lying to danny and j.j. they've both asked me questions, or made statements concerning l. and myself. i just don't think it is their business who i date, and they shouldn't be asking questions, or making assumptions about our personal lives. why, then, do i feel so guilty?

the post was as follows:

no matter how much truth hurts, lack of truth always hurts more. withholding information, lying, being deceitful are all sure paths to causing harm. the only thing i ask of people is to be honest and i, in return, ask the same of myself. i've lied before, and probably will find myself in the position to lie in the future. i only hope i can find truth first.

i do not have thick enough skin to be lied to. i've been lied to before and that has broken me down, while reducing me to feeling numb and worthless. i cannot be worthless, and cannot treat others as such. truth is so valuable.

(no subject)

I am no longer insulated, and I hate feeling lonely.

Cope, cope, cope...

I must cope with this. Why am I so attached? It's that part of me, the romantic, that wants to take a moment and stretch it into eternity. But, even I need space and solitude... a place to get things done. I need more hobbies, more books, more time to write (like I'm writing now).

It was the suddenness and surety of the "no" that worries me. Am I too sensitive? Or, should I be reading into that and, if so, what did I do? I was anticipating the answer would be no, but the (perceived) coldness left me shocked. I forgot to ask the second question... and, so I phoned her, leaving a message. I wish to borrow her vacuum cleaner. Almost three hours later, she has yet to return my call.

Now, I feel like an asshole. Fucking asshole.

And, what did I do?

Fucking asshole.

(no subject)

Friday night she cuddled up to me to watch a movie. i would close my eyes, kiss her on the head and feel drawn into the deepest love. the world stopped, and in it existed only she and i.

earlier we laid on my bed, talking... she has such a beautiful mind. i love being able to talk to her...

Saturday she teased me for being irresponsible. mental note: always call for directions when she tells me to, not right before we leave for the place we need said directions for.

fortunately, joc saved me by returning my phone call. i told her that ryn had been beating the shit (okay, i didn't use the word, "shit") out of me because i did not get the directions earlier. joc gave me instructions, and we made it to her house with only two u-turns and one near-accident (yes, i was driving).

for dinner, joc and ryn, made two amazing home-made pizzas. one was veggie (for me) and the other had pepperoni on it. while they made pizza, joc's husband, ryan, and i played an x-box football game. of course, my "superior football intellect" (this quote i lifted from my senior will (1990) which I just recently found in a box of junk) allowed me to trounce ryan 23 - 0.

after dinner, on the way to the bar, ryn mentioned how interesting it was that her and joc made the pizzas while ryan and i played video games. this made me feel terrible, because i would have loved to have helped make the pizzas. i still feel dense... and should not have assumed that ryn and joc were having "girl" time. if i wasn't such an ass i could have simply asked to cut some veggies, grate the cheese, or something.

the bar was interesting, with it's usual burned-out crowd sitting in their usual places, drinking their usual beers while smoking their usual (redundant?) cigarettes. the band, 2 and 1/2 white guys, all hung over from the previous evening, gave a valiant effort. the music was great, and i danced the night away.

i had a pitcher and 1/2 of beer. ryn called me an alcoholic, which made me a bit defensive. perhaps, she is right. i've decided not to drink again until my 30th birthday (may 6th), at which time i will reserve the right to have a sober-party.

ryn, joc and ryan left early and i stayed to finish out the concert. as soon as the music stopped, and the lights came on, i headed home to ditch my smoke-filled clothes, shower and walk over to ryn's.

once at her place, i told her that i danced better after she left. "that's going to give me a complex," she replied. i tried to tell her that it wasn't her leaving, but the alcohol i finished drinking right before she left that allowed me to cut loose. i need to be able to relax enough without the use of alcohol... i want to be carefree enough to dance with people out of sheer joy, rather than have my abilities dictated by levels of inebriation. ryn told me that she had to wake early, so that she could meet with her bishop. a few moments of silence and she asked what i was thinking... i was on the outside looking in. i was thinking about me sitting down with a bishop, trying to explain who i was and how i believed the nature of the universe to be.

i was also wishing that i could believe. that i could be mormon. that i could be perfect for her... because she deserves to be with someone who is perfect for her.

that's the kink in everything. i think she is perfect, except that i can't be perfect for her... i can't be. i need to be, or i can't give her everything.

and, now i have a complex.