(no subject)

I'm dreaming. It's cold outside and I want to cuddle up to a cup of coffee. My knees, drawn in to my chest, help keep me warm... aromatic steam rising from the lid of the cup, like a spirit lusting to be inhaled. I'm alone. I'm always alone, which is okay... It's comfortable and I can think. I believe its snowing too. And someone is calling me. Not someone, but something... maybe someone, I don't know. I look up at the mountains for a moment... the tops have vanished into the low cloud-cover, but I can see the canyon and then the voice is clear, "come to me," it sings. And I slowly let my legs down to the ground, stand and stretch my arms to the sky. Picking up my coffee, I walk to my jeep and so begins my journey home.

Ramblings

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be me, only from the outside looking in. Would I enjoy myself as much as I do now, from the inside, or would I find myself suffering in a desperate world - losing hope in the whole process? Imagine knowing someone as well as you know yourself. Imagine knowing yourself as well as you think you know yourself. What if you could see yourself through someone else's eyes, only those eyes become yours...
Sometimes I become a transcendent eyeball (Emerson) and walk around, free of me... guided by the aesthetic and free from thought. Sometimes I am my own music video (with headphones). Sometimes I love being alone even though I am so afraid of being lonely. Sometimes I am sad for long periods.
Last week Natalia slept on my floor (twice). For what seemed like hours, I would lay awake, listening to her breathe, and feel so connected, so comfortable, so happy. I have rarely felt as warm. She's a beautiful girl. I wish I could fall for her. I'll settle for her friendship, for which I feel fortunate and blessed. I do feel fortunate and blessed.

To the bar!!

I just turned around... the sun is setting with it's glorious orange hue. It's only a matter of minutes until I close down the library. Thank Al (he'll be my god for the remainder of the day) its Friday! I'm going to the bar for some drinks and a band. Good Al (remember you're god - and I am using your name in vain), I need to get drunk!