(no subject)

i don't know. sometimes, i hate myself... like tonight. i don't know why i have to be the way that i am. why can i not express myself verbally? i don't know why i can not be securely locked into someone. i act like things don't matter, like i can handle it all... i can't, not always... not tonight. i want to lie in bed, just holding her in my arms, with whispers and promises of forever. why do i make it so fucking hard?

(no subject)

It's closing in on midnight, so why am I still here? I don't know... I'm sick. It feels like I have spent my entire life here... in the library, behind walls, struggling to breathe. I think I am too inherently lazy to deal with the busyness of academia. I used to enjoy life... back before it sped up, before I spent every waking moment devoted to this institution. I use to go on long walks, headphones on, and a dance in my step... I used to stop, watch the leaves wrestle with the wind, the ants march diligently up, or down the tree bark... I used to enjoy life. Now... I don't know that there is a now. It's all something else, something hideously wrong... Fuck. God, I am so frustrated. I need a walk. A walk and a beer. A walk and a beer and a good lover. A walk and a beer and a good lover and a dog. A walk and a beer and a good lover and a dog and a good fucking laugh, which I am working myself into right now. A good lover would do.