i'm laughing. i just called someone because i was certain (almost) that i would get their voicemail. i did (whew) and left quite a nice message. i don't know why i am afraid of calling people...even my parents...but i am. sometimes that fear isn't difficult to overcome, other times (like the last couple of days) it is impossible. so, thus the laughter, which is more like elation, because i circumvented the actual act of having to initiate a conversation by having the oppertunity to leave a message.

i feel awkward and alone and am on the verge of a huge decision. i think i will be fleeing the state soon. i have a vacation coming in two weeks (in which i will be gone for two weeks) and then, upon my return, i have to decide 1.) if i can (not will) stay at the library. 2.) where i will live. 3.) (assuming i can't work here anymore) what i will do with my life.

i think that i might take up writing and photography as a serious endeavor even though i do lack the confidence to initiate that move well. baby steps. baby steps.

i'm enamored with the idea of living out of a tent, or travel trailer. i could write freelance articles for backpacker magazine and take pictures of me bathing nude in creeks and hot springs. on second thought, naked pictures of me might not be the best idea... mountain tops are cool though. maybe i could work for a desolate campground somewhere, cleaning toilets and chasing bears.

i just can't live like this much longer.