kazatasupa: (Default)
It rained last night as the longest winter I can remember continues to roll through spring. I was fortunate to get out on my mountain bike late yesterday afternoon and ride for 15 miles. I helped relieve some of the feelings I have been reliving while reading Scott Abbott's, “Immortal for Quite Some Time.” The book is a “meditation” on his relationship with his brother who passed away at the age of 40. The recollection of his journey to Boise to collect his brother's belongings was not too different from the story of my traveling to Salt Lake City in order to receive my brother's ashes and his belongings. I am not opposed to revisiting the memory of losing my brother, but I was shocked at how Scott's book weighed on me as I began crying only two pages in. The book is personal on a couple of levels. I know Scott, though we are not “friends,” he had always been kind to me. I have not seen him for over a decade, but I recall him as a thoughtful and observant academic. His prose is beautiful and reminds me of the Utah I love and miss. Scott's book has contributed to the rousing of vivid memories of my brother and dreams I had of him in the past. I look forward to finishing the book (I am half way through). I miss being young. I miss Utah. I miss my brother.

I have my own story to tell; adoption, fear of abandonment, love lost and the death of my brother. I punished myself for 15 years by abusing alcohol and abandoning the part of me I loved most. I found redemption and a metaphorical resurrection through an old love rekindled and the birth of a son. I wish I had the time, resources and ability to write my own book. This journal is a poor man's substitute. Memories are not etched in stone, but woven into the tattered fabric of subjectivity.
kazatasupa: (looking out)
Heavy rain today and I am thankful to be inside.

I drove to Palo Cedro this morning for work errands.  There was a mudslide behind me on my way back to Burney and now the highway is closed in both directions.  It's supposed to keep raining for the next 8 hours, or so.  The creek that runs through my yard is pushing against my simple bridge and is an inch or two from taking to sea.  I tried to pull the bridge across the creek, but it is waterlogged and too heavy.  It won't be a big loss unless it destroys the fence (which is also in the water) when it goes.

I'm enjoying this holiday season more so than in the past five years.  This little guy helps ease the pain of Thorn not being here.  I've made public posts through March of 2002.  I keep finding long lost gems from Thorn in the comments.  While grieving his death I found myself angry at him for deleting so many posts in his journal, so reading through his comments has given me some comfort and joy.  I've been tagging "Thorn" while moving through posts that he replied to.    
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Coffee and Joseph Fire Crow.

I've made public my entries through January 2002.  It's interesting reading my thoughts in the blissful calm before the storm.  LaRyn was the first woman I allowed myself to feel loved by and, though our "relationship" was short in terms of time, I struggled for years to reclaim myself from losing the trust I had in that love.  I have a completely different perspective on that relationship than I did at that time.  I have only fond memories of our time together and I hope she is blissfully happy in her life now (I'm sure she is).

The women I wrote about back then; Nicole, Natalia, and Marie are all still dear friends of mine and one (Marie) is now my wife.  I feel fortunate to have been able to foster relationships with these amazing people and that they still care enough to call me a friend (or husband) is such a great blessing for my old soul.  I am in shock that Marie and I have been together now for 7 years and in April will have been married for 6 years.  Time goes by too quickly.

I miss my brother.  This will be the 5th Christmas since [livejournal.com profile] lokasennapassed away.  I used to feel such a romance for the holiday, but that feeling died with Thorn.  I miss exchanging philosophy books with him.  I miss trying to get him drunk on Christmas Eve, or during Christmas dinner.  I miss our evening discussions and disagreements.  I miss everything about him.  Having had a child has returned some "spirit" of the holiday to me.  I only wish Thorn could be here to love on his nephew.

It's snowing outside.  I wish I had the time to go for a walk and take in the wonder of the universe.  I have a Lion's Club board meeting tonight to go along with my regular domestic and fatherly duties.  The walk will have to wait for another day.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)

Above is a view from Thorn's Lair, looking at my backyard.

It snowed last night, which put a damper on the plans to ride my bike.  So, it's almost two in the afternoon, and I'm still in my pajamas. Though I may be sipping coffee, listening to Thelonious monk and Live-Journaling at this moment, I haven't been completely lazy today.  The wife and I did spend a the better part of this morning cleaning house for the last time until our baby is delivered.

Since the house is now ready, I've escaped to Thorn's to jot a few things down while the wife is resting.  Tomorrow we will travel to town for a doctor's appointment followed by a pre-op at the hospital and delivery is scheduled for Wednesday morning.

I have a number of goals to accomplish while off work for the next month to month and a half:
-Bond with the baby.
-Help Marie in her recovery from Cesarean Section
-Put in gravel driveway
-Fix sprinklers
-Prepare for and plant Marie's garden
-Post to Livejournal every day
-Ride Mountain bike every day (weather permitting)
-Plant fruit tree in front yard
-Finish reading Kerouac's Big Sur and revisit Dharma Bums.
-Drink copious amounts of coffee

I guess I ought to get moving.  I still need to pack my bedroll for the couple of nights we'll be in the hospital.  I also want to check my camera's batteries and pack the laptop.  It might be time to change my attire for the day...


Jul. 31st, 2002 10:15 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i still intend to write about my time in the sierra nevada's - i have a few notes that i'd like to put down, but keep leaving them in various unkept places as i sort through all my shit in an effort to throw out and move.

the week was colored by the time i had to be around my brother. it would be difficult for me to find a time in my life where i enjoyed being around anyone as much as i enjoyed his company last week. i'm fortunate to have such a beautiful person as a brother...

i fucking like that kid. a lot.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
vacation is moving to the mountains. this will be my last entry for a week, or more. i'll be chasing bears during the day, sitting in natural hot springs by night. in between moments will be spent visiting with family and making an effort to get my brother drunk in front of mom.

i'm in such a good place right now.

i feel normal.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
money might grow on trees... i see it everywhere, like an oasis - only i live in a desert and am left longing for more. i'm looking for a studio apartment (enough of this jumbled fucking neurotic mess that i've become - i'm not fleeing, i'm not falling apart, i'm not giving up on what i've worked so hard to attain - i'm pretty fucking solid today, and tomorrow). i have an appointment to see one on the hill tomorrow morning. $900 to move in - if i like it, and they like me. i'm $200 short, but am in the process of asking my bank for a helping hand. they'll probably deny that aide, as my credit took a bounce late last year when i forgot to pay a credit card bill and fell into a hole i couldn't work myself out of until april. i need a studio. i need my space to belong to me - i can't share it anymore... my sanity depends on it.

vacation coming saturday. i'm flying from salt lake city to san francisco to redding (still california). my mother is going to leave a wedding to pick me up, drop me off at kinkos - where my brother will be waiting to take me around town - then she'll return to the reception.

i'm going to spend part of the week with marie. i'd also like to visit the pioneer museum in fall river... and, put a lawn chair into the creek while sipping beer for an afternoon...

the following week will be spent with family and friends in the sierra nevada.

lord, do i need this vacation.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
words fail me.

i couldn't write my music term paper... so i skipped the final. trumped by a funk.

writing in livejournal has also become laborious. this is a strange place, really... not depression, or boredom, but a definite lack of joy. i simply don't care about much anymore. i'm going to sabotage everything i've worked for the past four years... the idea makes me smile.

i'm looking forward to vacation in three weeks. there are a few things i am looking forward to while in burney. i should call andy to see if he wants to spend some time in bridgeport with my brother and i. it's been a long time since last hearing his voice.

i can't wait to photograph bears.

i need a nap.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
"An anonymous caller reported Friday at 3:13 p.m. juveniles had vandalized sprinklers and were pulling up plants in an area described as “in the middle of the highway that has fish in the street.” Deputies responded, but didn’t find any vandalism."
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
L.A. Lakers
fast break makers
kings of the court
shake or bake
all takers...

My brother lives in Northern California...
and may be the funniest man alive!
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
30... aint so bad.

people i am thankful for (in no particular order):

jared, megan, al, hav, willie, thorn, ryn (i'm glad you're staying), mom and dad, janice and jamie (morning coffee shop girls), nicole, cousin chris, aunt joyce, jeremy, marsha, shelby and cameron, jason... and there are others.

i am thankful for the above people, because they have made my life interestingly beautiful and continue to do so. in quiet contemplation intertwined with outward conversation, i have realized that i am blessed to have people touch me every day... and these are the people who touch me. Whether through a kind cup of joe, playful banter in the hot tub, or a phone call reminding me that i am cared for, i am surrounded by people whom care for me, and who i also care for...

i am blessed.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I'm waiting for my mother to call me back. She was talking to my brother 21 minutes ago, when I called her. She has a habit of not returning my calls. Perhaps I should go.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
feeling stupid and not human. going to go home and eat out of the dog's dish.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)

I want an mp3 player.. maybe not. They don't seem practical, come to think of it. Are there any other digital options that provide skip free music and easy recording/music change options? I don't know.

I want to use my laptop as a home-recording device (like a four track recorder). I don't know how to set that up (must learn). From what I understand, I might need a keyboard with midi capabilities. I should figure that out this weekend. I need a cd burner too...

I think I want to take pictures tonight. I don't have any other plans... so, why not then?

I put a $550 payment on my credit card. That ought to pull the dogs off for a bit (now, I am back under the limit). Jeremy wants me to fly out to Nantucket in a month. I don't think I can afford that now. I'd really like to see him... Damn.

My brother's taxes are done, as are mine. I only need to mail some shit in... and, wait on a little over $300 due back. I guess that will go to my credit card too.

That's all.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I want my brother online... I need to talk to someone family. Okay, I don't need... but it would be nice. I do need my brother.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Things to do this weekend:

1. Take top off jeep
2. Finish taxes (e-file: refund will come soon)
3. Drink beer
4. Eat Indian food
5. Play guitar
6. Sit on balcony wondering, "how did it ever come to this?"
7. Dream selfish little dreams
8. Write letter to Marie (she hates me by now)
9. Dwell on the fact that in 31 days I will be 30 years old. Gulp.
10. Develop thick skin. Flip more (more? I don't flip anyone off to begin with) people off.
11. Drink copious amounts of coffee.
12. Sleep in (this should be done before #11)
13. Don't get depressed
14. Stop by Kenny's wedding
15. Write terrible poetry
16. Admit that you were wrong. Your cousin only wanted to take you to a hockey game (where he would ask you to go to church with him on Sunday).
17. Go Hiking
18. Devise a plan to make the whole world love every little thing about you (even your hairy chest).
19. Do not think one bad thing about self, starting.... now!
20. Relax... Good, lord my back is killing me.


Mar. 30th, 2002 08:42 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
wrote ryn an e-mail. she's in vegas (still, i think) and i haven't heard from her in a while. i want such good things to happen for her that i've had my fingers crossed the whole time she has been down there.

i think my body and soul have finally bottomed out, and i am on the way up (i hope). i cannot remember ever being so emotional over someone. i do wish things were different... i do. i am amazed at how beautiful i think she is...


my eyes are heavy... i've been running around all day and did a good deal of cleaning as well. it's nice to have a bit of my motivation back. i feel really decent.

time to get a cup of coffee, maybe rent a movie (my brother tells me "pushing tin" is a must see), or visit with Jared... perhaps all three?


Mar. 21st, 2002 11:28 am
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)

Why insomnia? Natalia just broke up with her boyfriend... say's she doesn't feel anything right now, just sleeps a lot. What the hell??? Why to I feel like my stomach and heart are being dragged across a gravel road at 40 miles an hour. I actually feel a physical pain... it drains me.

What makes me so special?

Natalia and I had a long talk last night about Mormon and Non-Mormon relationships... She said I reminded her a lot of her grandfather, who converted right before he died. His wife was a very strong Mormon through-out her life.

Natalia's father, on the other hand, would burn church materials and demand that Natalia's mother choose either the Mormon church, or him. Okay... that's an asshole for you. Date, love and marry someone who respects you and is honest. Know who you are involved with...

I told her how frustrating it is to be something that people do not understand. I can't count how many times people have insisted that I must be doing something wrong, that God is easily accessible, "Ask and ye shall recieve..." I've asked, I've prayed, I've spoken to people, I've spent hours, days, months and years looking, searching and honestly questioning in an effort to feel the presence of God. I want that comfort that comes so easily to others. I don't know why I am me, but I think it unfair that I continue to be punished, not only by the entity that is supposed to be God, but also those who follow that God.

I am a man of love. I am a man of kindness... I believe in patience and of giving myself. I forgive easily, and do unto others as I would have done unto myself. I am a man of God, who knows no God. I am a good person and that is all I have to rest on... I feel that I am judged unfairly, and it is killing me.

Always on the outside looking in.

Sunday, when I was cracking... I was walking on a hard patch of crusty, inch-thick snow when the footsteps poem came to mind. I turned around to see if Jesus's sandle tracks were in the snow. Just boots. Does Jesus wear boots? Does he wear my boots?
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I'm still exhausted, but did get some sleep last night. I feel like I can start sleeping again (fingers crossed).

I called my mother yesterday in search of my brother's phone number...

I called Willie and left a message. He called me and left a message. I called him again, and was fortunate to catch him. We talked for about 50 minutes. He invited me out west for a vacation. I'm digesting my thoughts on everything in the universe right now... it was much more simple when the cosmos existed in Sagan's basketball. I'd like to spend some time with him, though... that would be very nice.

My dad called me later. He told me that I was a really good person, which really felt good to hear. He gave me my brother's number (which was busy all night long).

I walked down to juice and java for an early-evening cup of coffee. Once there, I called Megan and Natalia to see if they would like to come visit me. Both obliged and were there in a matter of minutes. Natalia is in the middle of an argument with her boyfriend. They're not talking. Megan is dealing with an ex who is thinking about moving to Utah...

Everyone has relationship issues.

Eventually, Natalia left for home... Megan and I continued to sit outside for a while, then Ryn came by for a hot chocolate. I walked over to her car, she asked me if I wanted a warm seat.... I did.

She drove us out to Utah Lake where we sat and talked for a long while. I tried to express myself as well as I possibly could (that's all I can do, really). I asked a few questions, and listened to her answers and what she thought... I listened to what she wanted, her wishes...

Still doomed.

I think I've dreamt about this girl my whole life... I'm an honest person, and I'm not confused about anything in regards to my feelings for her. For me, there is truth in love... I'm overwhelmed in comfort and joy when with her, and then, in her absence... well...

We drove back into town, she purchased some Nestlie Crunch ice cream bars, and then back to my apartment, where she allowed me to hold her and, in turn, she caressed my heart...

I'm sorry, Ryn... for being so difficult. It's just that I can breathe when I am with you.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I couldn't fucking sleep again. This is all too strange... My mind wasn't that active... and, I thought I was exhausted. I just had long, frustrating fits of restlessness. I was too tired to get out of bed, and it was too cold to think about removing myself from the comfort of my warm blankets.

I've never actually suffered from any form of insomnia before. I'm a good sleeper, really I am.

I have to thank Lokassena for his post... I'll get back to you when I have energy to think and write.

That's it...

I'm tired.


kazatasupa: (Default)

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