kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Coffee and Joseph Fire Crow.

I've made public my entries through January 2002.  It's interesting reading my thoughts in the blissful calm before the storm.  LaRyn was the first woman I allowed myself to feel loved by and, though our "relationship" was short in terms of time, I struggled for years to reclaim myself from losing the trust I had in that love.  I have a completely different perspective on that relationship than I did at that time.  I have only fond memories of our time together and I hope she is blissfully happy in her life now (I'm sure she is).

The women I wrote about back then; Nicole, Natalia, and Marie are all still dear friends of mine and one (Marie) is now my wife.  I feel fortunate to have been able to foster relationships with these amazing people and that they still care enough to call me a friend (or husband) is such a great blessing for my old soul.  I am in shock that Marie and I have been together now for 7 years and in April will have been married for 6 years.  Time goes by too quickly.

I miss my brother.  This will be the 5th Christmas since [livejournal.com profile] lokasennapassed away.  I used to feel such a romance for the holiday, but that feeling died with Thorn.  I miss exchanging philosophy books with him.  I miss trying to get him drunk on Christmas Eve, or during Christmas dinner.  I miss our evening discussions and disagreements.  I miss everything about him.  Having had a child has returned some "spirit" of the holiday to me.  I only wish Thorn could be here to love on his nephew.

It's snowing outside.  I wish I had the time to go for a walk and take in the wonder of the universe.  I have a Lion's Club board meeting tonight to go along with my regular domestic and fatherly duties.  The walk will have to wait for another day.
kazatasupa: (Default)
dead voices on the stereo. it's funny that way, how we can reach back and let a past soul touch us.

nicole wrote me yesterday:

"This time of uncertainty is a great opportunity for growth. You will learn what is important in life, and how much people and things mean to you. If you need anyone to talk to, I think I am the perfect person, I know the anxiety of the unknown, so call me if you want. I love you and hope you aren't worrying yourself sick."

i'll call her in the morning.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)

me: "so, wait a second... are we dating?"
nicole: "wait. i'm confused..."
me: "how are you confused?"
nicole: "i don't know..."
me: "i know you don't like dating, so i just assumed we were friends..."
nicole: "yea."
me: "do you think we're dating?"
nicole: "well, we hang out and hold hands and kiss and stuff..."
me: "yea. well, we could be dating. i mean, i don't date anyone else..."
nicole: "me either."
me: "so, i guess we're dating?"
nicole: "i think so."
me: "so we're dating?"
nicole: "yea."
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
sitting at home. beer to my left, miles davis through speakers to my right, olives sitting next to my phone and i'm surfing e-bay in an effort to land a used 4-track recorder. i'd like to record my sounds... whatever that means.

J. and [livejournal.com profile] biloba are out of town this evening and the house belongs to me. silence. i thought of inviting people over, but that would be a waste of a grand solitary oppertunity. [livejournal.com profile] bouteloua is on her way out from california, where she's been spending time with her soon to be H-man. i hope she gets here friday - which would be tomorrow - as i am planning a weekend trip into the mountains with N. of course, she might not be able to go - her sister is moving to portland, oregon to earn a certification in some sort of yoga...

all is well... i'll follow that river, follow that river down...


Jul. 11th, 2002 10:01 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i don't know why we are...
but i'm investing in her again.
she's so fucking beautiful to me...
and, at times, i find that painful.

we're so closely seperated.

could i be falling again?
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I'm having trouble writing anything in detail. I guess I'm not interested, really... however, here's a list of things I did followed by things I thought.

Woke Saturday slightly hung-over
Ran into [livejournal.com profile] biloba at Juice and Java
Had coffee
Drove to Salt Lake City
Had more coffee at Salt Lake Coffee Break
Got bored
Called Nicole
Hung out for a couple hours
Had lunch w/ Nicole
Left Nicole, met up with Jared and Ryan
Went to Utah Arts Festival
Ran into Jason
Left festival after 3 hours and went to Jason's house
Drank beer, had dinner
Took Trax down to Port O Call
Drank a lot of beer and dance to 2 and 1/2 White Guys
Watched Jason hit on many, many girls
Walked back towards Jason's house.
Jason, in a drunken stupor, started running
When I got to Jason's house, he was no where to be found
After waiting for 20 minutes, I broke into his house through the kitchen window, took a shower and went to bed.
Sometime during the night I heard Jason come in.
Woke late Sunday morning
Realized that I had spent over 80 dollars in the bar the night before.
Found out that Jason passed out in someone's front yard.
Went back to Salt Lake Coffee Break for coffee
Drove home.
Went to bed really early.

People are selfish
I absolutely hate sexually abusive people
I don't believe in love
I don't trust people
I loathe the way people act in bars
I really like dancing drunk
I have little, if any hope that the world will turn out as I wish it could.
I like girls who work in coffee shops
I can see age in my face
I'm scared
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
stop. i'm trying to construct something here, only its not working. words, not flowing, look awkward in sentences. i'm stumped. perhaps i should write nothing and why have i not left for home? i'm tired, hot and with headache... surely there are better places, like my bed, for me to be. *sigh*

i called nicole twice yesterday to leave messages. she returned call, and asked me to call her after seven. around seven-ten, as i sat in my closet, on my hamper, i called her. "i'm going crazy," i told her. "we're all crazy," she replied and continued to ask, "what's normal, anyway and by whose definition?" "i'm going crazy by my standards... i don't know me anymore," i answered. "i'm feeling strange." i rambled on for a while, then said goodbye and thought that, maybe i shouldn't have called her. she's going to call me sometime, although i wouldn't hold my breath. she'll call in a couple of months... maybe.

then i called my mother. i needed to hear her voice, to feel connected. she told me willie's mom was getting married saturday.

so, i called willie's mom. we chatted for two hours. i miss her. i miss people...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
30... aint so bad.

people i am thankful for (in no particular order):

jared, megan, al, hav, willie, thorn, ryn (i'm glad you're staying), mom and dad, janice and jamie (morning coffee shop girls), nicole, cousin chris, aunt joyce, jeremy, marsha, shelby and cameron, jason... and there are others.

i am thankful for the above people, because they have made my life interestingly beautiful and continue to do so. in quiet contemplation intertwined with outward conversation, i have realized that i am blessed to have people touch me every day... and these are the people who touch me. Whether through a kind cup of joe, playful banter in the hot tub, or a phone call reminding me that i am cared for, i am surrounded by people whom care for me, and who i also care for...

i am blessed.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Damn it. Damn it. Ugh, argggg.................

It wont go away. Sometimes (like when I am alone, in the mountains) I don't notice that it is still there. I forget and fall in love with the moment (which is probably healthier). I start swearing - joyously - proclaiming my love for everything, and anything that will listen. I'll stand there and listen to the wind blow softly through the snow as flakes drift down from above. I'll look for animal tracks. Deer, moose, big-horned sheep, mountain goats, rabbits, coyotes, mountain lions, foxes, squirrels... The snow is deep, now... at least four feet up Rock Canyon. Hard for the big animals to move around. Brother bear is now sleeping for the winter. With snow and snowshoes, I can find places far removed from humans. These places are where I fall in love with the moment. But down here... in the community... with people everywhere... I realize that I miss Nicole. It's a strange void, one that I've never had before... one that can not be filled. And, though it's only been a month and a half since I told her that I could no longer see her... it feels like a lifetime of suffering. I don't like silence and separation. I don't like conflict. I don't hold grudges. I don't hate. I loathe suffering... whether mine, or someone else's.
But, this is out of my control. I told her that I didn't trust myself... and she told me that I should. I told her that I didn't trust her, and she told me that I could... I told her how I felt for her... she told me how she felt for me... and then (almost immediately) she stopped coming around regularly. then she started seeing another guy... i don't trust people... i don't trust myself... i am sad. i miss nicole.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Wait. Wait... I'm just waiting and bored. I suppose I could do something more productive than surf ebay, looking for antique coffee grinder/brewer/roaster stuff. Oh, well... I don't feel like being productive. I am waiting for the hour hand to reach seven. Then I will go work out. As far as my diet goes, I didn't lose any weight since yesterday (and I'm not sure that losing weight is always a good measuring stick, but I don't have much else I can report on). I'm still at 244. It is incredibly difficult to get onto livejournal today... bitch, bitch, bitch...

I know Nicole came into the library last Thursday. She must have done so before I got to work... My head sits right behind the reserve counter and, even with walls, I would have heard her voice. I don't think I can ever trust myself to fall for a girl again. I've never felt like this... It's a strange place and uncomfortably cold.

Maybe I only need someone to hold me.

Went hiking yesterday on the Great Western Trail out of South Fork. I don't know how far (maybe six miles round trip) but the hike lasted almost four hours. God, it was beautiful... Snow capped mountains, clouds rushing through the high valleys, and sweat on my brow... I saw two huge bull elk. Amazing animals. Of course, they saw me first... big, clumsy ape crashing through the woods. I wish I had more time to be out there. Connected.

It's time to go work out. *sigh,* I don't want to expend the energy necessary to sustain the type of workout I know I'm going to have... funny, eh?
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Monday Morning Blues.

So, it's Monday morning. Blah. I didn't have time to eat breakfast, I am out of coffee and, well... I'm out of coffee.

The Weekend.

Friday night was a blast. I drank way too much, but it was good for me (I think). I haven't overindulged for months. 2 & ½ white guys were fabulous, as always. The bar was so packed that they had to turn people away at the door. I hope the people I invited, who did not show, were not turned away. I guess I'll find out through the course of the day (since most of those I invited work with me). I invited quite a few Mormon people, and they all showed up! Natalia, LaRyn, Joci, and Ryan all seemed to have a great time. I spent most of the evening dancing and checking up on people. I had this terrible fear that the girls would be hit on by filthy drunks... Not that they couldn't take care of themselves. Maybe it was me who was drunk and filthy and wanted to do all the flirting. "Hey, baby..." No. Just isn't me.
Saturday I went up to Salt Lake City for a movie with my friend Lucy Jane. Afterwards we went to a costume party thrown by her friend, Natasha. The costumes were cool, I guess... I didn't stay late enough to see anyone get naked. There is something about attending a party full of people I do not know, that really turns me off. I find myself participating in really small talk, or just listening. Most of the time the small talk is tolerable (if not embarrassing), but listening is most often unbearable. It seems that most conversations are about sex, or pop culture and both usually disgust me. I overheard a guy comment to two other guys that, "in California I'm Don Juan, but in Utah I'm a nobody." Interesting. I kept an eye on him the rest of the evening... he didn't approach, or talk to any women at the party. Some Don Juan. I like to talk about sex, and even pop culture sometimes... However, most conversations on the respective subjects tend to wallow in shallow waters. Lucy Jane kept asking me if there were any "cute, cool" girls that I found interesting. "No, not really..." "But, you seemed interested in the Power Puff girl?" "I think she was twelve, Lucy!" There were some beautiful girls there... September and a few others, but I wasn't really interested in meeting girls. I miss Nicole... and I hate feeling so lonely.
After Two nights of drinking I needed all of yesterday to recover. I took a really nice three hour nap yesterday afternoon, and went to bed around nine last night. I am well rested. Just wish today wasn't Monday.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I did it through e-mail. She wouldn't let me talk to her, either in person, or over the phone. She'll get impatient as I carefully pick my words, yelling at me, "Just Say It!" It's not that easy. Not when you care enough to make certain that the words are correct. I've never felt for a girl the way that I feel for her. She know's that. At least I hope she understands that I've never been more sincere. I have spent the last ten months of my life trying to step inside of her, to feel her as a kindred spirit. She kept me in tow, promising that she was worth the wait. That all crashed last Saturday when she informed me of how she really felt, then hung up on me. I knew this was coming. I suppose I was merely waiting for the trust to fall through. I'm not sure I'll ever trust again. "Goodbye," I wrote. Goodbye, Nicole.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Well, the day is almost done. I am trying to post something here, but have found that I have nothing real and honest to talk about. I'm feeling a bit sad this afternoon. I wish I could take Nicole, be her husband and best friend, and run into the sunset for eternity. Unfortunately, she won't have me. That's the life, eh? I guess I need to pack my emotions and move on to something else, even if the idea makes me nauseous. Matthew Wright called this afternoon. He moved to St Louis during the summer, and I had not heard from him (until today, that is). Matt is one of the beautiful people. I think so, anyway... Well, I am going to pack my laptop and head for the open highway home. It's cold out, and I'm sad....


kazatasupa: (Default)

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