kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Chewing on [livejournal.com profile] biloba's crackers.

'Bout ready to head toward's [livejournal.com profile] wickenden's for a wedding reception. Nicole couldn't come down, Natalia is not home, Ryn is outta town, [livejournal.com profile] bouteloua has moved, Lucy Jane - Chicago... I'm going to drive over, see if I can catch a ride home and pick up my jeep in the morning, or just not drink more than two beers an hour.

*sigh*

Life is just more difficult at this point than I'd like it to be.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i'm not much of a movie person, but natalia was watching "beautiful girls" last night when i stopped by to drop a disc off. i layed on the couch with raja (sweetest dalmation dog in the world. raja and i have a long history together... she thinks that i'm her boyfriend. i swear she's the strangest dog in the world. so, natalia, her boyfriend, randy, raja and me watched a movie. and, now i forget my point, but i think it was... i have a secret crush on the 13 year old character played by natilie portman. while i sat under my epiphany, it occured to me that no small town anywhere could be home to enough interesting people to base a movie on... could one? anyway, i'd wait five years for natalie, only if she asked. it would be quite absurd for me to to that now, as she's old enough and far enough away for me to drop this late night rambled fantasy...

Worn

Mar. 21st, 2002 11:28 am
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Fuck.

Why insomnia? Natalia just broke up with her boyfriend... say's she doesn't feel anything right now, just sleeps a lot. What the hell??? Why to I feel like my stomach and heart are being dragged across a gravel road at 40 miles an hour. I actually feel a physical pain... it drains me.

What makes me so special?

Natalia and I had a long talk last night about Mormon and Non-Mormon relationships... She said I reminded her a lot of her grandfather, who converted right before he died. His wife was a very strong Mormon through-out her life.

Natalia's father, on the other hand, would burn church materials and demand that Natalia's mother choose either the Mormon church, or him. Okay... that's an asshole for you. Date, love and marry someone who respects you and is honest. Know who you are involved with...

I told her how frustrating it is to be something that people do not understand. I can't count how many times people have insisted that I must be doing something wrong, that God is easily accessible, "Ask and ye shall recieve..." I've asked, I've prayed, I've spoken to people, I've spent hours, days, months and years looking, searching and honestly questioning in an effort to feel the presence of God. I want that comfort that comes so easily to others. I don't know why I am me, but I think it unfair that I continue to be punished, not only by the entity that is supposed to be God, but also those who follow that God.

I am a man of love. I am a man of kindness... I believe in patience and of giving myself. I forgive easily, and do unto others as I would have done unto myself. I am a man of God, who knows no God. I am a good person and that is all I have to rest on... I feel that I am judged unfairly, and it is killing me.

Always on the outside looking in.

Sunday, when I was cracking... I was walking on a hard patch of crusty, inch-thick snow when the footsteps poem came to mind. I turned around to see if Jesus's sandle tracks were in the snow. Just boots. Does Jesus wear boots? Does he wear my boots?
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I'm still exhausted, but did get some sleep last night. I feel like I can start sleeping again (fingers crossed).

I called my mother yesterday in search of my brother's phone number...

I called Willie and left a message. He called me and left a message. I called him again, and was fortunate to catch him. We talked for about 50 minutes. He invited me out west for a vacation. I'm digesting my thoughts on everything in the universe right now... it was much more simple when the cosmos existed in Sagan's basketball. I'd like to spend some time with him, though... that would be very nice.

My dad called me later. He told me that I was a really good person, which really felt good to hear. He gave me my brother's number (which was busy all night long).

I walked down to juice and java for an early-evening cup of coffee. Once there, I called Megan and Natalia to see if they would like to come visit me. Both obliged and were there in a matter of minutes. Natalia is in the middle of an argument with her boyfriend. They're not talking. Megan is dealing with an ex who is thinking about moving to Utah...

Everyone has relationship issues.

Eventually, Natalia left for home... Megan and I continued to sit outside for a while, then Ryn came by for a hot chocolate. I walked over to her car, she asked me if I wanted a warm seat.... I did.

She drove us out to Utah Lake where we sat and talked for a long while. I tried to express myself as well as I possibly could (that's all I can do, really). I asked a few questions, and listened to her answers and what she thought... I listened to what she wanted, her wishes...

Still doomed.

I think I've dreamt about this girl my whole life... I'm an honest person, and I'm not confused about anything in regards to my feelings for her. For me, there is truth in love... I'm overwhelmed in comfort and joy when with her, and then, in her absence... well...

We drove back into town, she purchased some Nestlie Crunch ice cream bars, and then back to my apartment, where she allowed me to hold her and, in turn, she caressed my heart...

I'm sorry, Ryn... for being so difficult. It's just that I can breathe when I am with you.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Again... looking out over Utah Lake and the mountains beyond. A morning winter wonderland with pink clouds hanging over the mountains, illuminated by the still hiding sun. I dropped myself off at work this morning, Jared took my jeep up to Salt Lake City to see his family (for this, he bought me a cup of coffee and I am forever grateful - especially right now, as I am drink it).

New Year's Eve was the most lovely of my life...

There were friends and others from the neighborhood at Jason's house. Ruth shared her alcoholic riches, which enabled me to get really well lit. Natalia called me around 11:30 and asked if I wanted to go downtown to watch the ball drop. She met me at Jason's and we walked downtown from there (only four blocks). Heavy falling snow mixed with the live band, ball dropping, and fireworks as people danced in the streets left me with an "almost saved" feeling... New Year's Eve has no real human significance... and only one that is practical: we change our calendars... but, whatever it is, it does ask us to reflect and gives people a sense of renewal... again, another example of a christian influence on a right pagan holiday! Wash away the old year, with the old faults and bring in a new year with a promise of change! The slate is clean, make your resolutions and do the best that you can...

My resolutions:

Be Direct
Be Organized
Give My Love Away
Get Into Best Shape of Life (by May, 6 - my 30th birthday).
Get Life Moving ---> That Way! (I've been stagnant for the last 3 years).
Stop Slipping Into Lonliness

The last resolution may be the most difficult...

I'm procrastinating. I've got a ton of work to do, and I don't know where to start. This is depressing.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Back at Work

God, it's so slow here... and I am the only person working the third floor. I didn't think my home-coming would be so lonely. I had to call Majorie down from tech services just so I could use the restroom.

Sunday, my first day back from vacation was nice. Walked after coffee with Jared... I hung out with Natalia and later Megan and Biloba (we tried to watch Almost Famous on my new DVD player, but the disc kept skipping, so we didn't finish the movie).

I spent my barnes and noble gift certificate on a dreamweaver instruction manual... must learn to make better web-pages. There are so many books I want. I thought about getting field guide to mammals, or plants, or reptiles, or birds... I need those too.

I don't know what I'm doing for this evening's celebration... maybe drink alone and practice kissing the back of my hand! I love myself, I really do...
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Tuesday, and its snowing!

Maria replied to my e-mail concerning the status of my coffee order... She even sent me the UPS tracking code. Good news! Beans are in Provo, and I should have my greedy little hands on them today! Tom Petty was right, it's good to be king. If anyone is interested in roasting their own beans, check out Sweet Maria's. Home roasting is such a wonderful hobby.

I went to bed around midnight... and had a terrible time moving my ass out of it this morning. Sometimes 6:20 is just too early. My body is recovering nicely from the 80 minute stairmaster session last night. I love my early morning walk to the coffee shop. It helps loosen the tight muscles.

I'm going to use my lunch break to get a quick, thirty minute work out in. I wont have time to work out tonight, because I am going up to Salt Lake with Natalia.

I'm looking forward to my mountaineering class this afternoon. We're going to snowshoe and learn how to forecast avalanches. It's a practical knowledge which I have always desired to have, but have never had a real opportunity to learn. I am always snowshoeing over avalanche paths, and last year had the luck of seeing four from a distance. I'd hate to get caught in one... I like the idea of being safe.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Monday Morning Blues.

So, it's Monday morning. Blah. I didn't have time to eat breakfast, I am out of coffee and, well... I'm out of coffee.

The Weekend.

Friday night was a blast. I drank way too much, but it was good for me (I think). I haven't overindulged for months. 2 & ½ white guys were fabulous, as always. The bar was so packed that they had to turn people away at the door. I hope the people I invited, who did not show, were not turned away. I guess I'll find out through the course of the day (since most of those I invited work with me). I invited quite a few Mormon people, and they all showed up! Natalia, LaRyn, Joci, and Ryan all seemed to have a great time. I spent most of the evening dancing and checking up on people. I had this terrible fear that the girls would be hit on by filthy drunks... Not that they couldn't take care of themselves. Maybe it was me who was drunk and filthy and wanted to do all the flirting. "Hey, baby..." No. Just isn't me.
Saturday I went up to Salt Lake City for a movie with my friend Lucy Jane. Afterwards we went to a costume party thrown by her friend, Natasha. The costumes were cool, I guess... I didn't stay late enough to see anyone get naked. There is something about attending a party full of people I do not know, that really turns me off. I find myself participating in really small talk, or just listening. Most of the time the small talk is tolerable (if not embarrassing), but listening is most often unbearable. It seems that most conversations are about sex, or pop culture and both usually disgust me. I overheard a guy comment to two other guys that, "in California I'm Don Juan, but in Utah I'm a nobody." Interesting. I kept an eye on him the rest of the evening... he didn't approach, or talk to any women at the party. Some Don Juan. I like to talk about sex, and even pop culture sometimes... However, most conversations on the respective subjects tend to wallow in shallow waters. Lucy Jane kept asking me if there were any "cute, cool" girls that I found interesting. "No, not really..." "But, you seemed interested in the Power Puff girl?" "I think she was twelve, Lucy!" There were some beautiful girls there... September and a few others, but I wasn't really interested in meeting girls. I miss Nicole... and I hate feeling so lonely.
After Two nights of drinking I needed all of yesterday to recover. I took a really nice three hour nap yesterday afternoon, and went to bed around nine last night. I am well rested. Just wish today wasn't Monday.

Ramblings

Oct. 26th, 2001 06:19 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be me, only from the outside looking in. Would I enjoy myself as much as I do now, from the inside, or would I find myself suffering in a desperate world - losing hope in the whole process? Imagine knowing someone as well as you know yourself. Imagine knowing yourself as well as you think you know yourself. What if you could see yourself through someone else's eyes, only those eyes become yours...
Sometimes I become a transcendent eyeball (Emerson) and walk around, free of me... guided by the aesthetic and free from thought. Sometimes I am my own music video (with headphones). Sometimes I love being alone even though I am so afraid of being lonely. Sometimes I am sad for long periods.
Last week Natalia slept on my floor (twice). For what seemed like hours, I would lay awake, listening to her breathe, and feel so connected, so comfortable, so happy. I have rarely felt as warm. She's a beautiful girl. I wish I could fall for her. I'll settle for her friendship, for which I feel fortunate and blessed. I do feel fortunate and blessed.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
It's been a while... but I have a few moments while I finish drinking my coffee. I had a great weekend (first great weekend in a long time). I spent Friday night in the bar. Was drunk, of course! Found Biloba and Wickenden in the crowd... had good conversation. Biloba tried to get me into a fight by telling a military man with massive biceps guns that I was a killer. God, damn it Biloba!!! Fortunately, the episode cooled down enough that we could escape without further problems - and we ran to the grocery store for humus and pita bread (thanks for the snack a.). Saturday morning a group from the philosophy club went up rock canyon, picking up garbage along the way. I think our group was six, or seven in numbers and we found about 9 bags worth of shit laying around. It was a nice couple of hours in the cool morning... a girl from the club brought about five gallons of tasty hot chocolate. I enjoyed the after coffee beverage and the company. A. took me to lunch at IHOP afterwords (again, thanks man.). I made it home after two, took a long nap, and watched the (kill your) tv for a while. I had to ditch some friends and a night in Park City due to a lack of funds and a general feeling of laziness. However, Natalia begged me to hang with her and a friend (not that she would have to beg me to hang out). I convinced her to loan me $5 for the night... and we headed down to the bar to watch Henry Topaz and the Regency. It's funny, but Topaz is much better when I am drinking. They're actually a lot of fun, but I am so easily entertained when I have a beer sitting in front of me. On Sunday Natalia and I went to the coffee shop (she had oj, I had coffee.. oj, coffee.) Later, we hiked South Fork Canyon with Jared and two dogs (Raja - a dalmatian and Destiny - a pit bull). The dogs had a great time and I think I took some neat pictures, but the huge pasta lunch I had immediately before we left for the trail didn't really help me up the mountain. We only hiked about two miles, then sat on a foot bridge for a while. The running water, falling leaves and slight wind made for a beautiful afternoon. Last night Ruth came over, made some sort of vegetarian sausage dish with rice, and we all ate happily in front of the tube. Jared made some hot cocoa mixed with brandy and I slowly slipped into this morning. What a good fucking weekend...

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