kazatasupa: (fatherson)
megi was supposed to come see me the other day.

no sightings reported. this makes me sad.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Chewing on [livejournal.com profile] biloba's crackers.

'Bout ready to head toward's [livejournal.com profile] wickenden's for a wedding reception. Nicole couldn't come down, Natalia is not home, Ryn is outta town, [livejournal.com profile] bouteloua has moved, Lucy Jane - Chicago... I'm going to drive over, see if I can catch a ride home and pick up my jeep in the morning, or just not drink more than two beers an hour.


Life is just more difficult at this point than I'd like it to be.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i want to save the world.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)

taken by my friend [livejournal.com profile] wickenden. this is me (letf) comforting [livejournal.com profile] biloba, who was afraid of the tomato.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
sitting at home. beer to my left, miles davis through speakers to my right, olives sitting next to my phone and i'm surfing e-bay in an effort to land a used 4-track recorder. i'd like to record my sounds... whatever that means.

J. and [livejournal.com profile] biloba are out of town this evening and the house belongs to me. silence. i thought of inviting people over, but that would be a waste of a grand solitary oppertunity. [livejournal.com profile] bouteloua is on her way out from california, where she's been spending time with her soon to be H-man. i hope she gets here friday - which would be tomorrow - as i am planning a weekend trip into the mountains with N. of course, she might not be able to go - her sister is moving to portland, oregon to earn a certification in some sort of yoga...

all is well... i'll follow that river, follow that river down...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
sunday, driving home from south fork canyon...
me: man, i need to buy and live out of a motor-home.
jared: there's the old matt
megan: what?
jared: the winter matt was looking into five bedroom estates...

yea, maybe the winter matt was confused. i'm suffering from wander-lust again....


Jun. 10th, 2002 05:52 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
the short of it:

went to 2 and 1/2 white guys at abg's friday and saturday night. i drank a lot of beer, but suffered not one ill-effect of a weekend well done. megan, jared and i took the great western trail out of south fork canyon for a five mile hike on sunday. it's been a while since i made an effort to hike that much (pretty steep too) and suffered a chaffed crotch in the process. the hike was followed with cheese pizza, beer and a nap on the couch as the lakers beat the nets in game three of the finals. later, jared and i drove to jason's (a mere block away) to drink beer and migrate to a party just south of byu. jason had a date (i'm confused - isn't he still dating angela?) whose name is lindsey. she studies philosophy. i think i'm in love with jason's sunday night date.

the party was for sarah, who is moving to alaska to earn her phd in biology. sarah and i held hands home from the bar one night two summers ago... i had no idea she was a lesbian at the time... she's a cool girl and i'll miss seeing her around town. allen was at the party when we arrived. i instantly took three of his beers, but didn't feel too bad as i had paid is way in the door and purchased a pitcher of beer for his consumption friday night. he left once megan and havalah showed. the three are roommates and there seems to be a rift developing...

jared played foos ball and worked up a mighty sweat while at it. i laughed.

we went home and i tried to sleep...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I have a test this morning, but am not prepared. I don't feel like studying, either... I'm at work, anyhow. It's pointless. I sat on grass at The Hud (Megan, Havalah, and Al's little house) with notes in hand, trying to study, but more intersted in the path and the sun. My mind wanders, and where it goes... I suppose that's where I'd rather be.

I've settled (perhaps only temporarily) into loathing the self-indulgent shallowness inherent in being human. And, I'm terrified of remaining alone. However, yesterday, behind the mountains... ascending (then descending) steep trails in my sandals, I felt more at home by myself than I would have had someone been with me. I took off my shirt and stood, looking down at myself in fine appreciation of a beautiful farmers tan. Sun reflected off pasty white skin and pink man-nipples.

I felt good...

And this morning, I feel much better.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
fuck, i dont know what the fuck i'm talking about.

i'm drunk and in my underwear. bouteloua is sitting next to me. there are naked girls in the hot tub, but jared is offensive (on his own terms) and naked, wet. it's tough being critical: you'll fail, even by your own standards. sick.

so... here it is: 30, happy, and drunk (note: megan thinks i'm drunk, but i'm mostly honest).

it's a fucked up world out there. make it your own. that's the only way. i've got my own zen...

you're right, ryn... you're right.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
30... aint so bad.

people i am thankful for (in no particular order):

jared, megan, al, hav, willie, thorn, ryn (i'm glad you're staying), mom and dad, janice and jamie (morning coffee shop girls), nicole, cousin chris, aunt joyce, jeremy, marsha, shelby and cameron, jason... and there are others.

i am thankful for the above people, because they have made my life interestingly beautiful and continue to do so. in quiet contemplation intertwined with outward conversation, i have realized that i am blessed to have people touch me every day... and these are the people who touch me. Whether through a kind cup of joe, playful banter in the hot tub, or a phone call reminding me that i am cared for, i am surrounded by people whom care for me, and who i also care for...

i am blessed.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Let's see how interactive we can be. I want to change my bio, but am not really interested in my history. I want all of my live journal friends to write my history... one sentence at a time. From top to bottom, and whomever as the guts to go first, please be as creative as possible. And, no worries... anything goes. I will not be offended... let's have fun!
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
50 miles an hour at 6:20 in the morning with temperatures barely over freezing. Nearly forty minutes later, my fingers are still slow to move. The coffee shop, not open until 7 in the morning, supplied the beans (last night) and here I sit, sipping a fresh pot of french pressed Kenya AA.

Life isn't too bad, really. I kind of like it.


Apr. 20th, 2002 06:53 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
My internal organs are shutting down... or, I'm just sore from dancing all night. 2 and 1/2 white guys (local ska/reggae) had my bootie thumpin'. I did have too much to drink last night, spent too much money on beer, slept too much today and feel relatively worthless. In regards to my Friday Night poll. The Yukon Jack, bar, pissing in the street most closely resembled my evening (having had pieces of all three).

There's currently about 3 inches of snow in my jeep. Bouteloua called me this morning to tell me that I ought to throw a tarp over the vehicle. Naked and hung-over, I passed... I rather deal with the cleaning later, than run around Center street disfunctionally naked at nine thirty in the morning. This isn't Berkley...

I'm going to play guitar for a bit, then head to the coffee shop. It's an easy going evening for me... it has to be.

And, Layne Staley...

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the funk will make me freak
If I should die before I waked
Allow me Lord to rock out naked

Sir Psycho Sexy - RHCP
kazatasupa: (fatherson)

Just because I was able to joke, laugh and relax doesn't mean I was drunk (see bouteloua). I had a few drinks (beers, whiskey and a bloody mary), and was able to enjoy myself... but, "pretty drunk"!?!

Now... Jared wanted me to get drunk. And, Jen kept filling my glass with Old Whiskey River (Willie Nelson)... However, and despite their best efforts, I came out of Shelb's house relatively in tact and sober.

I just had a good night.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I'm still exhausted, but did get some sleep last night. I feel like I can start sleeping again (fingers crossed).

I called my mother yesterday in search of my brother's phone number...

I called Willie and left a message. He called me and left a message. I called him again, and was fortunate to catch him. We talked for about 50 minutes. He invited me out west for a vacation. I'm digesting my thoughts on everything in the universe right now... it was much more simple when the cosmos existed in Sagan's basketball. I'd like to spend some time with him, though... that would be very nice.

My dad called me later. He told me that I was a really good person, which really felt good to hear. He gave me my brother's number (which was busy all night long).

I walked down to juice and java for an early-evening cup of coffee. Once there, I called Megan and Natalia to see if they would like to come visit me. Both obliged and were there in a matter of minutes. Natalia is in the middle of an argument with her boyfriend. They're not talking. Megan is dealing with an ex who is thinking about moving to Utah...

Everyone has relationship issues.

Eventually, Natalia left for home... Megan and I continued to sit outside for a while, then Ryn came by for a hot chocolate. I walked over to her car, she asked me if I wanted a warm seat.... I did.

She drove us out to Utah Lake where we sat and talked for a long while. I tried to express myself as well as I possibly could (that's all I can do, really). I asked a few questions, and listened to her answers and what she thought... I listened to what she wanted, her wishes...

Still doomed.

I think I've dreamt about this girl my whole life... I'm an honest person, and I'm not confused about anything in regards to my feelings for her. For me, there is truth in love... I'm overwhelmed in comfort and joy when with her, and then, in her absence... well...

We drove back into town, she purchased some Nestlie Crunch ice cream bars, and then back to my apartment, where she allowed me to hold her and, in turn, she caressed my heart...

I'm sorry, Ryn... for being so difficult. It's just that I can breathe when I am with you.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
i just realized how sad my last post sounded... i'm not sad, just bored. shit.

i was fortunate to get off from work really early this afternoon. i did get to see ryn for a second, but we really didn't get to talk. she had the coolest (cutest) pants on. corduroy!!!

jared was visiting with megan and jody when i got home. she invited me to breakfast (at 1:30 pm)... for which she offered to pay. having not had a think to eat for nearly 24 hours, i accepted. so, the four of us went to a mexican restaurant which had an amazing plate of huevos rancheros.

after the late breakfast, i went home to nap... but, jason called and woke me. when i tried to go back to sleep the neighbors started playing japanese pop music full blast. i guess there is no rest for the wicked (why does ozzy have to be right?).

now, i'm off to see jason. he has a business proposition for me, i guess. he's interested in investing money into a coffee shop. we'll see... i'm not sure i can commit to anything in Utah... just not sure.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Yes, a cup of coffee would be nice.

It's trying to snow... the mountains are getting a nice storm, I'm sure.... hell, everyone else on this planet is probably more aware of Utah's weather than I am and I'm looking out the window at a storm that keeps rolling over the valley, but dropping very little snow. Provo/Orem gets the least amount of snow along the Wasatch front. Salt Lake City gets the most (I think) due to the lake effect snow phenomenon.

L. and I are going to SLC this evening... even though the opening ceremony has already begun... or will shortly, we hope to catch the last bit (from outside the stadium). I'm sure security will give me a look-over... My beard was enough reason for the security people to pull me aside in the San Francisco International Airport for a search... took my stinky boots off... felt me up and down... sort of embarrassing, really.

"Everybody search the pacifist... He's big and scary and has a huge goatee..."


My sore throat/fever has turned to a slight cough. I hate being sick.

L. accompanied me to a valentine dinner last night, which was sponsored by the philosophy club. So, what is love? Blah, blah, blah...

I love being with her... only, I wish we had been somewhere else. The company was good. Biloba was there as was bouteloua. David Keller, his wife, Karen Mizell, Lee Mortenson, Lara Hamblin and another woman were at our table. I really enjoy the company of all those people, but was not in the mood to talk about philosophy... or even anything very smart at all. I wanted to be silly, and maybe drink a bit... but, I have this strange "dumb jock" complex around smart people... Stupid. So, I sat there silently, talking little while holding L.'s hand. Lee asked if we were together... L. laughed, and I said sheepishly, "sometimes..."

I wish I could have said, "yes, we are... and I am so, very happy."

I actually wore slacks, a nice shirt and a sports coat to the gig... Very not me, but fun nevertheless. L. looked... well... so, so nice. I never dress up... ever. The last time I wore the sports coat was to my Uncle's funeral in December of '99. Before that? I have no idea. But, I had fun... and am willing to dress up again (but only if Ryn wants me to).

Tomorrow night: theater followed by an evening in the bar (that is if the place doesn't sell out before we get there). It's been a while since I've been dancing, dancing, dancing!
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
It's amazing what a cup of coffee will do for me when I am tired, worn out, cranky, grumpy, pissy, bitchy, "nasty, brutish, and short" tempered.

I can't write anymore.

I've been really irritated with myself lately. I've thought that I think too much, and act to little. However, I had an epiphany last night which was quite uplifting. I'm not going to share it today, but I will say this: I really enjoy being able to think, and I no longer believe it to be disease of inaction.

I may be too patient, however.

Megan was kind enough to attend the art show (that wasn't) last night... and on short notice too. She also made me a vegetarian bean burrito, which was very nice of her as I was suffering from lack of food.

The art show:
Pictures of Chris (not his artwork) cleaning the studio. The pictures were hung near where he was located as the subject. I'm still thinking about the significance of the show... I have theories... but, maybe they were simply doodling out of boredom. A piece of Chris, if you will... we miss him.

I'm done working for my Saturday.

I'll be back tomorrow... too much to do.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Back at Work

God, it's so slow here... and I am the only person working the third floor. I didn't think my home-coming would be so lonely. I had to call Majorie down from tech services just so I could use the restroom.

Sunday, my first day back from vacation was nice. Walked after coffee with Jared... I hung out with Natalia and later Megan and Biloba (we tried to watch Almost Famous on my new DVD player, but the disc kept skipping, so we didn't finish the movie).

I spent my barnes and noble gift certificate on a dreamweaver instruction manual... must learn to make better web-pages. There are so many books I want. I thought about getting field guide to mammals, or plants, or reptiles, or birds... I need those too.

I don't know what I'm doing for this evening's celebration... maybe drink alone and practice kissing the back of my hand! I love myself, I really do...

Day Six

Nov. 16th, 2001 10:40 am
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
246 this morning, and I am beat (not like kerouac, more like mike tyson after buster douglas)... I feel good, though... energetic, just sore as hell. I'm at work, or class until seven, at which time (if my body as sufficiently recovered) I will decided whether, or not I will work out. I'm not coming in to school this weekend, so Day Six updates will give into Monday's Day Nine... I think I may go backpacking tomorrow night, but have not settled completely into the idea. It would be nice to sleep next to a fire, and wake up to a cup of cowboy coffee. Therapeutic, if you will... a return to myself. Megan is having a sleep over that night (Biloba will be there... i think). I know she wants me to be there also... but, I'm not sure that I want to be cramped up in a house.

Feeling a bit claustrophobic. Time to get out!


kazatasupa: (Default)

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