kazatasupa: (Default)
Last night I undressed Warrick for his evening’s bath. Marie was cleaning the tub, so I set the 14 month old loose thinking a naked, stampeding baby would be cute. He quickly jetted his nude-suit out of the bedroom screaming nonsensical baby jabber along the way in celebration of his newfound sense of freedom. He returned to his room after taking his nudist tour of the house, skidding to a stop in front of me. Looking up to where his eyes met mine, we stared into each other’s souls for a second before a bursting stream of urine shot from his little wee, amalgamating with the carpet near his feet. His focus suddenly shifted from the look of horror on my face to the egestive liquid pool. He had never seen his own evacuation of fluids before and was puzzled at the wetness in the floor. I screamed, “I am such a bad dad!” My wife shot out from the bathroom to see what madness had occurred in her absence only to find herself laughing at my panic. I am not well with bodily fluids on the floor…
kazatasupa: (Default)
It rained last night as the longest winter I can remember continues to roll through spring. I was fortunate to get out on my mountain bike late yesterday afternoon and ride for 15 miles. I helped relieve some of the feelings I have been reliving while reading Scott Abbott's, “Immortal for Quite Some Time.” The book is a “meditation” on his relationship with his brother who passed away at the age of 40. The recollection of his journey to Boise to collect his brother's belongings was not too different from the story of my traveling to Salt Lake City in order to receive my brother's ashes and his belongings. I am not opposed to revisiting the memory of losing my brother, but I was shocked at how Scott's book weighed on me as I began crying only two pages in. The book is personal on a couple of levels. I know Scott, though we are not “friends,” he had always been kind to me. I have not seen him for over a decade, but I recall him as a thoughtful and observant academic. His prose is beautiful and reminds me of the Utah I love and miss. Scott's book has contributed to the rousing of vivid memories of my brother and dreams I had of him in the past. I look forward to finishing the book (I am half way through). I miss being young. I miss Utah. I miss my brother.

I have my own story to tell; adoption, fear of abandonment, love lost and the death of my brother. I punished myself for 15 years by abusing alcohol and abandoning the part of me I loved most. I found redemption and a metaphorical resurrection through an old love rekindled and the birth of a son. I wish I had the time, resources and ability to write my own book. This journal is a poor man's substitute. Memories are not etched in stone, but woven into the tattered fabric of subjectivity.
kazatasupa: (Default)
I have successfully imported both of my LJ journals and comments to Dreamwidth under the Kazatasupa handle. I’m fairly excited to have my online journaling life housed in one place. I wish I had acted less impulsively and waited to begin the import until I had finished my tagging/making public entries project. Now, if I wish both locations to be available, I’ll have to double my efforts. I might leave LJ alone, and just work on the Dreamwidth side of things… I don’t yet know.

I’ve been riding my mountain bike (with a few exceptions) to work every day for over a month, but yesterday was the first time in a week that I have been able to get out for any distance. I rode a bit over seven miles after work and felt great in doing so. I’ve lost 23.4 pounds thus far, and am shooting for an end goal of losing 100 pounds total. 220 has always been my “feel best” weight, and I want to be an active dad. The only way I can see myself being the dad I envision is to be fit.

I’ve had a life-long bad habit of getting into shape for backpacking season, then letting myself go as summer fades into winter. At nearly 45 years, I don’t think the yo-yo dieting is going to be conducive to long-term health, so I need to fight my old habits to stay in shape year round and for the duration of my life. That’s the goal. I hope documenting it here helps…

I’m using Strava, Google Fit and Myplate apps to document my progress. I’m a bit fan of Strava and anything google, but haven’t decided how I feel about Myplate yet – though, in fairness, it seems to do a better job at calorie counting than other apps I have used in the past. I just don’t know how useful the application is to me. My biggest issue is not the quality of foods I eat, but the helpings. I have always stuffed myself to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. and a calorie counting app isn’t going to fix that. Alternative methods (ie, exercise) to dealing with the negatives in life are more necessary to my health plan than calorie counting. But, part of me gets off on tracking minute details like calories…

I told Marie that I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail when Warrick is old enough. He’ll probably need to be out of high school, which means 18 years (that will put me at 63) until we can do it. I plan on working until I am 65, so I’ll have to take a leave of absence from work to accomplish that goal. Taking non-paid leave will be the easy part, keeping in shape for the next 18 years will be the challenge.
kazatasupa: (Default)
My son has his first "real" cold. He woke about 4 this morning unable to breathe. Marie got up with him for an hour, then handed him off to me. I sat with him propped up against my chest and quietly sang as he fell back asleep. His rattle and wheeze dissipated into quite breathing as I whispered sweet nothings into his ear. He woke a bit after 7, which allowed me little time to drink coffee and prepare for work. I guzzled my joe, and barrelled through the morning routines, making it to work with seconds to spare.

I've never felt a love so profound and a rushed morning has never been so worth it.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I have a Sierra Nevada Narwal Ale aged in a bourbon barrel that is calling my name.  It's been tempting me for the last couple of days, but Marie has not wanted to open it.  It's a 22-ounce bottle and at 10.2 %, a half bottle should lighten the load on my feet.  We are decorating the Christmas tree tonight and Marie has decided that that would be a significant enough reason to delight in the magnificent stout.  A storm is rolling in and there should be snow falling tonight.  A perfect scene for a beautiful beverage.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Coffee and Joseph Fire Crow.

I've made public my entries through January 2002.  It's interesting reading my thoughts in the blissful calm before the storm.  LaRyn was the first woman I allowed myself to feel loved by and, though our "relationship" was short in terms of time, I struggled for years to reclaim myself from losing the trust I had in that love.  I have a completely different perspective on that relationship than I did at that time.  I have only fond memories of our time together and I hope she is blissfully happy in her life now (I'm sure she is).

The women I wrote about back then; Nicole, Natalia, and Marie are all still dear friends of mine and one (Marie) is now my wife.  I feel fortunate to have been able to foster relationships with these amazing people and that they still care enough to call me a friend (or husband) is such a great blessing for my old soul.  I am in shock that Marie and I have been together now for 7 years and in April will have been married for 6 years.  Time goes by too quickly.

I miss my brother.  This will be the 5th Christmas since [livejournal.com profile] lokasennapassed away.  I used to feel such a romance for the holiday, but that feeling died with Thorn.  I miss exchanging philosophy books with him.  I miss trying to get him drunk on Christmas Eve, or during Christmas dinner.  I miss our evening discussions and disagreements.  I miss everything about him.  Having had a child has returned some "spirit" of the holiday to me.  I only wish Thorn could be here to love on his nephew.

It's snowing outside.  I wish I had the time to go for a walk and take in the wonder of the universe.  I have a Lion's Club board meeting tonight to go along with my regular domestic and fatherly duties.  The walk will have to wait for another day.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
as if i needed anything to be added to my state of confusion...

marie, who is in bend, oregon, is not dating jake any longer. i told her, this evening, that my parents really want me to marry her. we both think that we're bad in relationships and, if we were to get together, it would ruin our friendship.

i don't know.

i don't.

Vacation

Jul. 15th, 2002 12:25 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Sitting at my parent's bar, drinking a Sierra Nevada Wheat Beer, doing laundry, thinking shower and eagerly waiting for the right hour to claim a vehicle from my mom in order to drive down to Redding to visit my brother. My flight here was a pain in the ass. Canceled flight, missed connections, spilled tomato juice on the girl sitting next to me (who was in her first hour of a 24 hour trip to Greece). The journey was longer than if I had driven... Thank you, United Airlines! In other news:

I need to purchase a pair of hiking boots and a hat to keep the sun off...

Marie is coming down from Bend, Oregon tomorrow. I'll spend the day visiting with her.

Wednesday I will try the nude bath in Burney Creek again. I tried yesterday, but after running my pop's truck through a multitude of manzanita bushes and nearly off a cliff, my heart wasn't into it. If all goes well, I will be spotted by either a black bear, bigfoot, or any random logger (who would most definitely tell his lumber pals about his run in with a nekid tree-huggin' hippie down the cre'k).

The week is already flying by.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
money might grow on trees... i see it everywhere, like an oasis - only i live in a desert and am left longing for more. i'm looking for a studio apartment (enough of this jumbled fucking neurotic mess that i've become - i'm not fleeing, i'm not falling apart, i'm not giving up on what i've worked so hard to attain - i'm pretty fucking solid today, and tomorrow). i have an appointment to see one on the hill tomorrow morning. $900 to move in - if i like it, and they like me. i'm $200 short, but am in the process of asking my bank for a helping hand. they'll probably deny that aide, as my credit took a bounce late last year when i forgot to pay a credit card bill and fell into a hole i couldn't work myself out of until april. i need a studio. i need my space to belong to me - i can't share it anymore... my sanity depends on it.

vacation coming saturday. i'm flying from salt lake city to san francisco to redding (still california). my mother is going to leave a wedding to pick me up, drop me off at kinkos - where my brother will be waiting to take me around town - then she'll return to the reception.

i'm going to spend part of the week with marie. i'd also like to visit the pioneer museum in fall river... and, put a lawn chair into the creek while sipping beer for an afternoon...

the following week will be spent with family and friends in the sierra nevada.

lord, do i need this vacation.

I'm Tired

Dec. 27th, 2001 10:52 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
It's time. Two weeks seemed like it would last forever, now two days seems like an eternity.

As much as I love Burney, I miss my things, my friends and my space. One thing about visiting one's parents after spending nearly seven years at a distance away: the house you were raised in is no longer yours... maybe I'm the only person who feels that way. I love spending time here, but am tired of not having my things. I want my bed, and my snowshoes (Marie was pissed that I didn't bring mine... she packed hers down from Bend, Oregon. She was also mad that I didn't call her when I got into town. Apparently she was ready to switch some shifts to come down earlier to hang out... I'm an ass).
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Burning a CD with the same songs. I gave the other one to Marie... she loved the bluegrass cover of Gin & Juice. She's happy, and I think that is wonderful. I'm glad that she has found Jake... and I think he is a good guy. I hope they have a beautiful life together.

I'm on my way to Redding to spend time with my brother. I'll only see him for a moment Saturday, before I leave... so, this is it. I wish I had more time to spend with him. Life is too short... it really is.

I miss Utah (what?? did i say that?). I miss my friends.

Conclusion

Dec. 26th, 2001 11:38 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
The end is near. Soon I will be back in Utah and this visit will be a memory.

I saw Marie today...

The Marie...

She is how I know I'm fucked up.

She is the one I should have taken a chance with. Instead, I took a chance with Nicole... and suffered a terrible death.

I've always been a little late.

We ate dinner at the Dragon Palace, and was rewarded with a fortune cookie.

Fortune:
Be Direct. Usually one can accomplish more that way.

Marie, "Keep that... you need it."

I'm transparent.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Washing my dark clothes...

Trying to get in contact with my roommate, who has no phone. I hope he finds time to check his email. I'd hate to hike home from the airport...

Marie is coming to see me this morning. I think her boyfriend will be in tow, which is okay...

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