kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I had always felt alone. She gave me the gift of a sense of belonging... and I don't know how, or why... but, now it's gone and feeling alone is painful. And, now there are days where I feel indifferent to the loneliness... I am becoming desensitized. And, maybe there will be a day when I quit caring, quit loving, and just wait out the perfect sunset.

I hate the idea of letting anyone else inside. I don't know if I have the energy...
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I hate e-mail.
I hate easter.
I hate cleaning toilets
I hate hanging out at work on my days off.

I love writing e-mail.
I have fond child-hood memories of easter
I like having a clean toilet
Work is the only place I can get away... (we're closed today).

I just called my mother. She and my pops are eating breakfast in a campground with my Uncle Chris and Aunt Mary. I'm sitting at a computer in a dark, empty library - alone.

I was looking at my phone record last night... I've only had three phone calls in a week, one of which was a return call. Ryn called once to tell me that she was still sick, and that she wouldn't be able to cover my circulation shift. I haven't seen many people this week, but that might be due mostly to my hiding... still, it would be nice to get a call, or e-mail every once in a while.

Ahh... a pity-me party! I've become super analytical of the relationships in my life lately. And, have come to the realization that maybe... just maybe, I don't have much to offer others. I really enjoy being me, but maybe others don't enjoy me quite that much.

Ah, it's a stupid world anyway (cynicism: solving real problems).

Haunted

Feb. 21st, 2002 08:00 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I've remembered why I first doubted the existence of God. It was the fat kid, feeling lonely, having always struggled to feel loved, wanting to feel God's love, wanting to be saved.

It was the realization that God could never make me feel love that planted the first seeds of doubt...

If anything, my God should be love.

I use to cry myself to sleep because I could not feel loved.

I've been walking the streets of Provo this evening, with my headphones on, thinking about my life... and each lit window, down every street, I see a person kneeling to God, praying... feeling loved.

I love... and remembering how I used to be brings a bit of sadness... but I love, and I love me, and tonight I'll sleep well... yet, still haunted by a God who should be love.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Twas the night before the night before Christmas...
and all through the house
only big bearded creatures were stirring
and he was just checking his e-mail, or something

I'm lonely. And not in a bad way... I just wish I had a good way to express myself romantically. I went to see Lord of the Rings this evening (not a bad movie, really... but I don't believe it deserves all of the attention it's getting... maybe the fact that I had to pee really, really bad the whole movie tainted the experience). The whole time I thought it would be nice to have a warm, beautiful woman to rest her head on my shoulder... that's not a lot to ask, really... of course, their are other requirements also, but I am not going to get into that tonight.

I'm glad that I was able to spend time with Chata. We did a lot of stupid things together in our youth, and I cherish every single act we had together... He's a good kid, that one.

I'm going to write an e-mail and then go to bed.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Tonight... I feel lonely, and don't want to go to bed.

I want to lay beneath the Christmas tree with a lover and soft lights all over...

I want warm eyes, and soft breath wispers...

I want to touch someone I love

I want to be in love

I am alone.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
It's dark out, again... as if it never changes.

people write essays on love. the message is that you can grab it with words define it with arguments. people write essays on truth. i believe they're trying to crucify me. people do these things for money. love and truth and money... it's all the same.

i want someone to hold my heart softly. i want someone to warm me with their eyes. i want someone to hold me under the blanket and watch the snow fall as the christmas tree stands in silent reverence. i want to trust that beauty will always be my friend.

i want suffering to end.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Damn it. Damn it. Ugh, argggg.................

It wont go away. Sometimes (like when I am alone, in the mountains) I don't notice that it is still there. I forget and fall in love with the moment (which is probably healthier). I start swearing - joyously - proclaiming my love for everything, and anything that will listen. I'll stand there and listen to the wind blow softly through the snow as flakes drift down from above. I'll look for animal tracks. Deer, moose, big-horned sheep, mountain goats, rabbits, coyotes, mountain lions, foxes, squirrels... The snow is deep, now... at least four feet up Rock Canyon. Hard for the big animals to move around. Brother bear is now sleeping for the winter. With snow and snowshoes, I can find places far removed from humans. These places are where I fall in love with the moment. But down here... in the community... with people everywhere... I realize that I miss Nicole. It's a strange void, one that I've never had before... one that can not be filled. And, though it's only been a month and a half since I told her that I could no longer see her... it feels like a lifetime of suffering. I don't like silence and separation. I don't like conflict. I don't hold grudges. I don't hate. I loathe suffering... whether mine, or someone else's.
But, this is out of my control. I told her that I didn't trust myself... and she told me that I should. I told her that I didn't trust her, and she told me that I could... I told her how I felt for her... she told me how she felt for me... and then (almost immediately) she stopped coming around regularly. then she started seeing another guy... i don't trust people... i don't trust myself... i am sad. i miss nicole.

Ramblings

Oct. 26th, 2001 06:19 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be me, only from the outside looking in. Would I enjoy myself as much as I do now, from the inside, or would I find myself suffering in a desperate world - losing hope in the whole process? Imagine knowing someone as well as you know yourself. Imagine knowing yourself as well as you think you know yourself. What if you could see yourself through someone else's eyes, only those eyes become yours...
Sometimes I become a transcendent eyeball (Emerson) and walk around, free of me... guided by the aesthetic and free from thought. Sometimes I am my own music video (with headphones). Sometimes I love being alone even though I am so afraid of being lonely. Sometimes I am sad for long periods.
Last week Natalia slept on my floor (twice). For what seemed like hours, I would lay awake, listening to her breathe, and feel so connected, so comfortable, so happy. I have rarely felt as warm. She's a beautiful girl. I wish I could fall for her. I'll settle for her friendship, for which I feel fortunate and blessed. I do feel fortunate and blessed.

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