kazatasupa: (fatherson)
3 minutes late for work (long line at the coffee shop followed by a shifty maneuver to avoid provo's finest - jeep unregistered - put me behind schedule). a. wasn't here (still isn't), and she's been the person opening the library/circ desk all week. j. and l. are late too...

the director was pulling into the library just as i was, but i have this feeling... i've got a feeling...

k. (my boss) is going to have a word with me.

35 minutes into my workday and i'm in trouble, all alone.

i also need to use the freaking restroom...

help. help.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i'm laughing. i just called someone because i was certain (almost) that i would get their voicemail. i did (whew) and left quite a nice message. i don't know why i am afraid of calling people...even my parents...but i am. sometimes that fear isn't difficult to overcome, other times (like the last couple of days) it is impossible. so, thus the laughter, which is more like elation, because i circumvented the actual act of having to initiate a conversation by having the oppertunity to leave a message.

i feel awkward and alone and am on the verge of a huge decision. i think i will be fleeing the state soon. i have a vacation coming in two weeks (in which i will be gone for two weeks) and then, upon my return, i have to decide 1.) if i can (not will) stay at the library. 2.) where i will live. 3.) (assuming i can't work here anymore) what i will do with my life.

i think that i might take up writing and photography as a serious endeavor even though i do lack the confidence to initiate that move well. baby steps. baby steps.

i'm enamored with the idea of living out of a tent, or travel trailer. i could write freelance articles for backpacker magazine and take pictures of me bathing nude in creeks and hot springs. on second thought, naked pictures of me might not be the best idea... mountain tops are cool though. maybe i could work for a desolate campground somewhere, cleaning toilets and chasing bears.

i just can't live like this much longer.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
And, the top is still off my jeep. The best I can hope for is one more hour (to get me off work, and home) of dry sky. I've been scanning documents all day, and am really fucking tired of it. The good news is that I really enjoy my classes (although I forgot to go to music this week - two classes were canceled and Wednesday's I spaced). I'm really excited about the photographs I have been able to produce in the darkroom the last two days. And, my guitar class... well, I'm learning to play the blues.

My birthday went wonderfully well. I really think that pulling 30 off will be a breeze. I still have two more dinners at the Bombay House promised to me (I'll try to fit them in by next week). Jared has been making fun of me because of this great ability to stretch my birthday celebration out. "You really love your birthday," he says. And, I've quit arguing.

In other news: I just walked behind a little Asian girl who was looking at porn on the computer. She quickly logged off, but out of the hundreds (maybe thousands) of men I've found using library to look at porn, she is only the second girl. Why don't more girls look at porn?

There's the thought for the day.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)

Sisqo : songs about the booty...

Thirty four minutes until I'm out of here... Jonny, "you ought to turn that up man."

Thong Song rocks the library.

Closing time.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I was up late last night, writing e-mails and watching the snow fall... thinking too. I wasn't really prepared to have my pop wake me at six thirty this morning with, "you still want to go work out? If not, I'll let you sleep in." Arggg... I laid there for a moment, trying to decide if I wanted to get up or not... I guess I felt the need to work out and to see all the old men moving muscles. I forgot how small this town is. "All the old guys," my dad talks about equal about 2 and 1/2 people. So, I stepped on the lone, creepy stairmaster for 45 minutes. It was fun. One of the "old men" was Ron Schmidt... the first CHP officer to let me off for speeding without a ticket! I was eighteen at the time, he made me go tell my mother that I was a terrible driver. A couple of hours later he stopped by the cable office (where my mother was the manager) to make sure I had done as he said. I like small town people. I miss this place.

I'm going to the local library with my pops in a half hour. I need to see if there are any books on philosophy... Damn school, damn!!! I'd also like to look at the local history collection. I want to get to the bottom of the Samuel Burney myth... More on that later (if I have a chance). I also want to find some information on early historical places... may go up to the Fall River museum this week too.

Tomorrow I get to see my brother for the first time since last winter break.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I just turned around... the sun is setting with it's glorious orange hue. It's only a matter of minutes until I close down the library. Thank Al (he'll be my god for the remainder of the day) its Friday! I'm going to the bar for some drinks and a band. Good Al (remember you're god - and I am using your name in vain), I need to get drunk!
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
It's closing in on midnight, so why am I still here? I don't know... I'm sick. It feels like I have spent my entire life here... in the library, behind walls, struggling to breathe. I think I am too inherently lazy to deal with the busyness of academia. I used to enjoy life... back before it sped up, before I spent every waking moment devoted to this institution. I use to go on long walks, headphones on, and a dance in my step... I used to stop, watch the leaves wrestle with the wind, the ants march diligently up, or down the tree bark... I used to enjoy life. Now... I don't know that there is a now. It's all something else, something hideously wrong... Fuck. God, I am so frustrated. I need a walk. A walk and a beer. A walk and a beer and a good lover. A walk and a beer and a good lover and a dog. A walk and a beer and a good lover and a dog and a good fucking laugh, which I am working myself into right now. A good lover would do.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
My fingers are bleeding. I've found too many interesting pots to dig my fragile nails into: School, work (two jobs: one full time, and another that wants my full time), philosophy club, ethics panel discussion group, a beautiful girl, ethics bowl team (hasn't started yet, thank god). I've been in the library (my work) for the last 39 days straight. I put two 20 hour days in last week, and numerous 16-18 hour days in the last month. I am tired and need to simplify my life. Note to self: prioritize. Beautiful girl, school, and work... get outside. Find room to breathe, to dream, to give your love away. Give your love away.


kazatasupa: (Default)

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