kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I’ve made posts public through April 12 of 2002.

These notes are mostly for me, so I know where to return when I have time to continue my project.  I’m also tagging them as I go, so my entries are easier to search.  Much of what is posted here is embarrassing to me now.  I was shy growing up and didn’t start dating until my 20’s.  My first “real” kiss wasn’t until I was nearly 21 and I lost my virginity a couple of years later.  I fell in love for the first time with her, but I didn’t appreciate that relationship until it was long over.  I’m still friends with Amanda – though distantly.  We’re connected via Twitter and Instagram.  Of the women I dated, she’s the one who owns the softest spot in my heart (other than my wife, of course!).  I felt like I needed to make up for being a “late bloomer” while we dated, and was in a hurry to move onto other relationships.   It’s interesting that I didn’t write much about her in this journal, as she and I were always “on and off” in that era.  She definitely deserves a place here as well as in my heart.

Laryn was the first girl who broke my heart.  There would be others, but she was the most difficult to overcome.  In going through these posts, my perspective on that relationship has changed a great deal than that of my memory.  She was always in the background, cheering me on through anonymous comments.  She was more of a friend to me than my writings here portray her as.  A lot of the things she used to say to me like, “choose to be happy,” would drive me crazy back then, but are mantras for life that I use every day now. She played an enormous role in the person I try to be today.  She was an angel.

So, why am I making this journal public after years of being private or friends only?  I am an older first-time father.  I’ll be 45 in May and my son just turned 1 earlier this month.  “Time is fleeting, and I don’t know how much of it any of has left in this life (to borrow a line I wrote in an email to my biological mother).” There aren’t any promises of longevity and I want my son to have a record of my life should something happen to me while he is young.  I want him to see that my life was beautiful despite the bumps in the road along the way; that he might have someone to relate to if he falls on hard times during his life.  I want him to know that even the darkest, coldest winters soon turn to the warmth of spring.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Coffee and Joseph Fire Crow.

I've made public my entries through January 2002.  It's interesting reading my thoughts in the blissful calm before the storm.  LaRyn was the first woman I allowed myself to feel loved by and, though our "relationship" was short in terms of time, I struggled for years to reclaim myself from losing the trust I had in that love.  I have a completely different perspective on that relationship than I did at that time.  I have only fond memories of our time together and I hope she is blissfully happy in her life now (I'm sure she is).

The women I wrote about back then; Nicole, Natalia, and Marie are all still dear friends of mine and one (Marie) is now my wife.  I feel fortunate to have been able to foster relationships with these amazing people and that they still care enough to call me a friend (or husband) is such a great blessing for my old soul.  I am in shock that Marie and I have been together now for 7 years and in April will have been married for 6 years.  Time goes by too quickly.

I miss my brother.  This will be the 5th Christmas since [livejournal.com profile] lokasennapassed away.  I used to feel such a romance for the holiday, but that feeling died with Thorn.  I miss exchanging philosophy books with him.  I miss trying to get him drunk on Christmas Eve, or during Christmas dinner.  I miss our evening discussions and disagreements.  I miss everything about him.  Having had a child has returned some "spirit" of the holiday to me.  I only wish Thorn could be here to love on his nephew.

It's snowing outside.  I wish I had the time to go for a walk and take in the wonder of the universe.  I have a Lion's Club board meeting tonight to go along with my regular domestic and fatherly duties.  The walk will have to wait for another day.

last night

Sep. 26th, 2002 07:42 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i really enjoyed the show (2 and 1/2 white guys opened for the slackers at club x-scape in salt lake city). i needed something to take my mind off of the impending blood tests - i really should just quit thinking about it all together - and dancing was the perfect means to clearing my head.

dancing was a bit difficult at first, as i only consumed two beers - but, i warmed up to it nicely. i don't care much that i lack rhythm, and dancing next to the cutest girl in the club was nice too.

i like ryn. i enjoy her company, think the world of her (despite those few things that annoy me), and am really thankful for her friendship.

ryn

Sep. 23rd, 2002 04:01 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
She might be vain, but she's so damn cute... (and she's wearing my hat!)
A picture of Ryn )
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Taken by Jocelin, who used different items (plastic wrap, nylons, etc.) as filters. She had them made into slides and I scanned them into my computer.

Go Here )
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
last night i watched the sun set over west mountain from the sandy beaches of utah lake. little fin and i walked the beach, collecting clam and snail shells. jason ran out onto the lake, one hundred yards and only ankle deep. jane would drop scientific names on plants and fish, and chris told me how there were 22 different native mussels in utah lake before the mormon settlers and now there are none.

i read once that the native americans would fish the lake with nets, pulling thousands out - feeding their own.

as i turned my head in a survey of the surrounding valley, i couldn't help but notice the dyke on which the road that carried us to the lake was concealing every city from lehi to payson. and, as i stood there in awe of the mountains glowing from the setting sun, i felt connected to past existence. not my own, but one that belonged to people two hundred years ago. a raw, unforgiving existence which would expose the weak as such.

we had to leave shortly after the sun set as the cold wind pushing across the lake set into our bones only to reveal the nature of our present existence. driving quickly into town, jason and i stopped at the coffee shop for cappuccinos, on the way to scott abbott's for a philosophy department party.

ice cooled indian pale ales, coronas, wines, fine scotch and a few olympias in a warm house with local intellectuals.

the worried news is the coming of a new president at the school. the fear is that the regents will hire a non-academic to quiet the liberal arts crowd. people are divided on the possibilities. i believe the school has taken far too many steps towards the liberal arts to be neglected. every thing is going to be alright...

if it ever was.

thank god for warm houses, warm people and cool beers. we have it so easy.

i'm going to throw my shoes on now and take a walk around the block. it's almost time to call it a night, but i have some steam to burn and the evening temperature is too nice to let go unfelt.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
Chewing on [livejournal.com profile] biloba's crackers.

'Bout ready to head toward's [livejournal.com profile] wickenden's for a wedding reception. Nicole couldn't come down, Natalia is not home, Ryn is outta town, [livejournal.com profile] bouteloua has moved, Lucy Jane - Chicago... I'm going to drive over, see if I can catch a ride home and pick up my jeep in the morning, or just not drink more than two beers an hour.

*sigh*

Life is just more difficult at this point than I'd like it to be.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
3 minutes late for work (long line at the coffee shop followed by a shifty maneuver to avoid provo's finest - jeep unregistered - put me behind schedule). a. wasn't here (still isn't), and she's been the person opening the library/circ desk all week. j. and l. are late too...

the director was pulling into the library just as i was, but i have this feeling... i've got a feeling...

k. (my boss) is going to have a word with me.

35 minutes into my workday and i'm in trouble, all alone.

i also need to use the freaking restroom...

help. help.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I'm almost certain I bombed a test this morning. Of course, the last time I was certain that I bombed I still managed a 93%... but, I didn't know nearly enough about Haydn, Mozart or Beethoven. I've had a difficult time focusing the past few weeks, which made studying really difficult. However (and on a better note), I'm not as angry as I was recently... In fact, I don't know that I am feeling angry at all, as much as I am feeling burned.

It would all be much easier if I didn't work with her. Every time I turn around there is a new thing to digest... to swallow, feel burned, hurt, or whatever comes.

Today's drama comes from the fact that everyone is talking about her new boyfriend... I was the dirty secret that was kept from everyone.

Moral to the story: don't fall in love with date people you work with...

too much drama.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I don't know if you're interested in this, but it might be interesting: a livejournal library community.

swagger

Jun. 3rd, 2002 04:50 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
it's strange, but i spent the entire day extremely pissed off at the world, broke into an hour long rant as joc patiently listened and, now, i feel good.

i feel better than i have since black saturday (the day ryn told me she wouldn't be seeing me anymore). i know this is only a moment... but it is a moment, and that's the most important thing.

i feel good. i feel good.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I'm tired with a headache and not much else to report. Work is lazy-slow as I'm the only person on the entire 3rd floor of the library. It might be as quiet upstairs, but I don't know... I have an aide doing the rounds there, so I'll know soon enough.

L. was very cute today... I try not to pay attention anymore, but couldn't help it today. She's beautiful (always, but especially) in blue.

I weighed myself this morning: 250. Cheese pizza and beer have put 23 pounds on my frame since March 17th. Maybe it's time to snap out of this funk?
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
If I had ten minutes to live, I know exactly what I'd do.

Unfortunately, I'm only getting off of work and don't have any clue as to what I'm doing tonight.

:::shrugs:::
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
If there is a God, I am most certainly going to hell, and (to top that off) I think my brain has hemorrhaged. My body stinks, my feet hurt and I ate two packs of M&M's which were chased by a Coca Cola. Satit came in this evening only to tell me (as he held his arms apart lengthwise) that I was getting chunky. I answered, "of course I'm getting fat, all I do is drink beer and eat cheese pizza while spending all of my free time on the couch." It's to the point now that I get winded just thinking about descending stairs...

This is all beside the point. I've decided, after giving myself another knot (to add to the growing collection) in my back, that I need to be more patient with people whom I deal with on the phone. A woman decided to test my sanity by turning a simple video renewal into an epic test of my ability to stay rational and civil. I spent the latter part of the ten minute (in a couple of days this fish will be ten feet long) conversation dancing in frustration followed by intense angst. I don't know how else to explain to someone that, because we are closed Sunday and Monday, that any video renewed today, tomorrow or Saturday will be due on Tuesday. I told her at least five times, using the same language, until she finally understood that she could renew tonight and turn her video in on Tuesday. It's amazing that I was able to keep a civil tone in my voice, although when she asked me if I had seen a movie she had checked out on her record, I replied shortly, "No. I don't watch movies. Have a good night." By that time I had spent my patience.

The interesting thing is that I am capable of being infinitely patient. Why I choose to get frustrated with people while on the phone is beyond me. I know I can choose when and where to exercise patience...

I'm done getting frustrated with people. If I can't help them for my sake, I'll help me for theirs. That's about all I can do other than give myself an aneurism.

Nothing

May. 21st, 2002 09:26 am
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
It's cold out, with rain in my jeep and snow only a thousand feet up on the towering mountains...

I was late for work this morning. I called Judy to inform her of my situation. On the phone with numb fingers and a hot cup of coffee is not a good way to drive. "UVSC Library, how can I help you," she said. "Judy, it's Matthew... hold on for a second - I need to shift." Steering with my knees, hands occupied, rain water hitting me in the face and I'm on the phone. Good work, sir. I ought to be arrested.

Thinking of cold and coffee... I wonder if Ryn is going to get a cup of hot chocolate on the way to work this morning?

So, I haven't written much lately. I'm preoccupied with things other than thinking, I suppose. I need to spend more time on the guitar... the dark-room technique class is cool, although I am really disappointed in most of the student work. I would like it if a few of the students were interested in working on more abstract pieces. I'm tired of near straight prints with a minimum effect. I'm a loner...

Music appreciation is a breeze, although I need to start on my Thelonious Monk paper.
I'm having dinner at the Bangkok Thai Wednesday night. I hope it isn't cold enough to snow on my drive up, or back...

Jeeps.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
fuck, i dont know what the fuck i'm talking about.

i'm drunk and in my underwear. bouteloua is sitting next to me. there are naked girls in the hot tub, but jared is offensive (on his own terms) and naked, wet. it's tough being critical: you'll fail, even by your own standards. sick.

so... here it is: 30, happy, and drunk (note: megan thinks i'm drunk, but i'm mostly honest).

it's a fucked up world out there. make it your own. that's the only way. i've got my own zen...

you're right, ryn... you're right.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
30... aint so bad.

people i am thankful for (in no particular order):

jared, megan, al, hav, willie, thorn, ryn (i'm glad you're staying), mom and dad, janice and jamie (morning coffee shop girls), nicole, cousin chris, aunt joyce, jeremy, marsha, shelby and cameron, jason... and there are others.

i am thankful for the above people, because they have made my life interestingly beautiful and continue to do so. in quiet contemplation intertwined with outward conversation, i have realized that i am blessed to have people touch me every day... and these are the people who touch me. Whether through a kind cup of joe, playful banter in the hot tub, or a phone call reminding me that i am cared for, i am surrounded by people whom care for me, and who i also care for...

i am blessed.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
i hear you found somebody new
and that i never meant that much to you
to hear that tears me up inside
and to see you cuts me like a knife...

walked into a house of butt-rockers last night. byu art students and theme parties with root beer and candy. i think i ran into nikki sixx... or, at least a member of his family. very strange...

willie called me while i stood on the lawn with strange people, then placed a third person call to mike argo. i paced the street in front of the house with strange people lifting brown root-beer bottles to their mouths, trying to look like bad ass butt-rockers. i listened, i laughed and spoke a little... fond memories of my childhood.

my phone went dead... i sat on the porch with marsha, while she spoke openly of her desire to have sex (mormon girls wait till marriage).

i got home around 12:30 (after driving past call's house to see if the party there was still on). watched howard stern for a moment. ozzie osborne, a guest with marilyn manson and twiggy, said that having sex with his wife was like throwing a sausage into the grand canyon.

opps.

i went to bed laughing.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

I am strong.

I am so fucking strong.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I'm off...

A strange week, strange month... something I'll revisit later and put back together as objectively as I can. I think I might need to seek counseling over adoption-related issues...

I'm going for a glazed donut and a bottle of anything.

My desk is a mess. I'll be back tomorrow (sometime) to put things in order, and tie up my tax duties. Also, this is my new studio... a place I can play acoustic guitar semi-alone. It's funny, I can play my electric at home with my headphones, and not be disturbed by the surroundings/distractions. But, I have to bring my "quieter" acoustic here...

I make my life too complicated (there, I said it... happy ryn???) :::winking:::

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