kazatasupa: (fatherson)
hiked rock canyon this afternoon with jared. ended up on the loop that moves past the bath hole... didn't take my clothes off, just kept moving.

i had the entire house to myself today, as jason and [livejournal.com profile] biloba went to park city this morning for a bluegrass concert. this house is amazing when alone...

*sigh,* solitude.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
slept until 11:00, when the sounds of bjork came blasting into my room from a room elsewhere... oddly enough, i didn't care. i kept under sheets in awe of my non-annoyed reaction to the violation of peace... shortly afterwards jared stopped by to borrow my phone. only then, after being assaulted by his high-energy negativity, did i my mood start to sour.

jared and i spent last night in spanish fork at grant's lounge, listening (i danced) to 2 and 1/2 white guys. they have a new sax player, who is really talented, but doesn't attack the music like the previous guy. it was more difficult to dance to, but i still had a good time. lindsay kept dragging me out, told me how cute i was, grabbed my cheeks... maybe kissed me there (i couldn't tell...). i think it was annoying her boyfriend.

[livejournal.com profile] biloba and i helped jason put his basketball hoop up this morning. i took some pictures and might post them at a later point.

that's it. lunch is ready. couscous.

mmmm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
almost moved in...

broke back, arms i can barely lift, but the spirit is still strong. woke at 7 am, moved bed and a few items, then went for coffee. sitting in front of the coffee shop was a beautiful girl with long, black hair and glowing smile but spoke of financial woes as she had just spent her last bit of money on an artist who needed cash to cover rent. sell plasma, borrow money on the title of her car, become hari krishna - scattered soul, i think i love her.

spent the rest of the morning moving large, heavy things around, down the stairs and over to the house.

at ten till two, as i ran down the stairs, late for work, the landlady stopped me, "i need you out within the hour."

eh heh.

i'm going to work. sorry -

so, i still have big shit to move. fortunately, i don't have to do it alone. my just-ex roommate will help me move that stuff out. and, i have plenty of little things all over. then, must clean....

will it ever end?
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
I'm having trouble writing anything in detail. I guess I'm not interested, really... however, here's a list of things I did followed by things I thought.

Did:
Woke Saturday slightly hung-over
Ran into [livejournal.com profile] biloba at Juice and Java
Had coffee
Drove to Salt Lake City
Had more coffee at Salt Lake Coffee Break
Got bored
Called Nicole
Hung out for a couple hours
Had lunch w/ Nicole
Left Nicole, met up with Jared and Ryan
Went to Utah Arts Festival
Ran into Jason
Left festival after 3 hours and went to Jason's house
Drank beer, had dinner
Took Trax down to Port O Call
Drank a lot of beer and dance to 2 and 1/2 White Guys
Watched Jason hit on many, many girls
Walked back towards Jason's house.
Jason, in a drunken stupor, started running
When I got to Jason's house, he was no where to be found
After waiting for 20 minutes, I broke into his house through the kitchen window, took a shower and went to bed.
Sometime during the night I heard Jason come in.
Woke late Sunday morning
Realized that I had spent over 80 dollars in the bar the night before.
Found out that Jason passed out in someone's front yard.
Went back to Salt Lake Coffee Break for coffee
Drove home.
Went to bed really early.

Thoughts:
People are selfish
I absolutely hate sexually abusive people
I don't believe in love
I don't trust people
I loathe the way people act in bars
I really like dancing drunk
I have little, if any hope that the world will turn out as I wish it could.
I like girls who work in coffee shops
I can see age in my face
I'm scared
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
sunday, driving home from south fork canyon...
me: man, i need to buy and live out of a motor-home.
jared: there's the old matt
megan: what?
jared: the winter matt was looking into five bedroom estates...

yea, maybe the winter matt was confused. i'm suffering from wander-lust again....

weekend

Jun. 10th, 2002 05:52 pm
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
the short of it:

went to 2 and 1/2 white guys at abg's friday and saturday night. i drank a lot of beer, but suffered not one ill-effect of a weekend well done. megan, jared and i took the great western trail out of south fork canyon for a five mile hike on sunday. it's been a while since i made an effort to hike that much (pretty steep too) and suffered a chaffed crotch in the process. the hike was followed with cheese pizza, beer and a nap on the couch as the lakers beat the nets in game three of the finals. later, jared and i drove to jason's (a mere block away) to drink beer and migrate to a party just south of byu. jason had a date (i'm confused - isn't he still dating angela?) whose name is lindsey. she studies philosophy. i think i'm in love with jason's sunday night date.

the party was for sarah, who is moving to alaska to earn her phd in biology. sarah and i held hands home from the bar one night two summers ago... i had no idea she was a lesbian at the time... she's a cool girl and i'll miss seeing her around town. allen was at the party when we arrived. i instantly took three of his beers, but didn't feel too bad as i had paid is way in the door and purchased a pitcher of beer for his consumption friday night. he left once megan and havalah showed. the three are roommates and there seems to be a rift developing...

jared played foos ball and worked up a mighty sweat while at it. i laughed.

we went home and i tried to sleep...
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
And, the top is still off my jeep. The best I can hope for is one more hour (to get me off work, and home) of dry sky. I've been scanning documents all day, and am really fucking tired of it. The good news is that I really enjoy my classes (although I forgot to go to music this week - two classes were canceled and Wednesday's I spaced). I'm really excited about the photographs I have been able to produce in the darkroom the last two days. And, my guitar class... well, I'm learning to play the blues.

My birthday went wonderfully well. I really think that pulling 30 off will be a breeze. I still have two more dinners at the Bombay House promised to me (I'll try to fit them in by next week). Jared has been making fun of me because of this great ability to stretch my birthday celebration out. "You really love your birthday," he says. And, I've quit arguing.

In other news: I just walked behind a little Asian girl who was looking at porn on the computer. She quickly logged off, but out of the hundreds (maybe thousands) of men I've found using library to look at porn, she is only the second girl. Why don't more girls look at porn?

There's the thought for the day.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
fuck, i dont know what the fuck i'm talking about.

i'm drunk and in my underwear. bouteloua is sitting next to me. there are naked girls in the hot tub, but jared is offensive (on his own terms) and naked, wet. it's tough being critical: you'll fail, even by your own standards. sick.

so... here it is: 30, happy, and drunk (note: megan thinks i'm drunk, but i'm mostly honest).

it's a fucked up world out there. make it your own. that's the only way. i've got my own zen...

you're right, ryn... you're right.
kazatasupa: (fatherson)
30... aint so bad.

people i am thankful for (in no particular order):

jared, megan, al, hav, willie, thorn, ryn (i'm glad you're staying), mom and dad, janice and jamie (morning coffee shop girls), nicole, cousin chris, aunt joyce, jeremy, marsha, shelby and cameron, jason... and there are others.

i am thankful for the above people, because they have made my life interestingly beautiful and continue to do so. in quiet contemplation intertwined with outward conversation, i have realized that i am blessed to have people touch me every day... and these are the people who touch me. Whether through a kind cup of joe, playful banter in the hot tub, or a phone call reminding me that i am cared for, i am surrounded by people whom care for me, and who i also care for...

i am blessed.

e-mail

Mar. 30th, 2002 08:42 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
wrote ryn an e-mail. she's in vegas (still, i think) and i haven't heard from her in a while. i want such good things to happen for her that i've had my fingers crossed the whole time she has been down there.

i think my body and soul have finally bottomed out, and i am on the way up (i hope). i cannot remember ever being so emotional over someone. i do wish things were different... i do. i am amazed at how beautiful i think she is...

*sigh*

my eyes are heavy... i've been running around all day and did a good deal of cleaning as well. it's nice to have a bit of my motivation back. i feel really decent.

time to get a cup of coffee, maybe rent a movie (my brother tells me "pushing tin" is a must see), or visit with Jared... perhaps all three?
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
i just realized how sad my last post sounded... i'm not sad, just bored. shit.

i was fortunate to get off from work really early this afternoon. i did get to see ryn for a second, but we really didn't get to talk. she had the coolest (cutest) pants on. corduroy!!!

jared was visiting with megan and jody when i got home. she invited me to breakfast (at 1:30 pm)... for which she offered to pay. having not had a think to eat for nearly 24 hours, i accepted. so, the four of us went to a mexican restaurant which had an amazing plate of huevos rancheros.

after the late breakfast, i went home to nap... but, jason called and woke me. when i tried to go back to sleep the neighbors started playing japanese pop music full blast. i guess there is no rest for the wicked (why does ozzy have to be right?).

now, i'm off to see jason. he has a business proposition for me, i guess. he's interested in investing money into a coffee shop. we'll see... i'm not sure i can commit to anything in Utah... just not sure.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
As soon as I shut the door I knew that I had left my keys inside the apartment... I don't know when Jared will get home and I guess it doesn't really matter. I've got Thelonious Monk on the head phones and everything is settling so well.

Dr. Keller gave me three copies of David Rothenberg's new book this afternoon... one for me, one for Jared and I'm going to offer the other copy to Will Taylor. The book is a gift, given on the condition that I read it and participate in a group discussion April 3 (which will be led by Rothenberg). Biloba... get a copy, if you have time to read.

I have my copy, and opened it for the first time as I sat outside Juice and Java and watched the sun set over western skys, pulling a plethora (my new favorite word) of colors down as time went to sleep - over the hill and far away. I skimmed through the first couple of pages and was caught brilliantly by a passage:

"There is no preparation for the improvising life besides learning glimmers of the background rules and not being afraid to bend them to fit the changing situation. I would not say push and pull the rules a bit so as to stay in the game that continually evolves. No, this is not a plea for moderation. The interesting life is not always a balanced life. Take risks for their sake alone." - David Rothenberg, 'Sudden Music'

All this time, I have been looking for balance and bored with it... somewhere along the line I lost my abilitiy to improvise, to play music with my life... to be an artist, not with a canvas, but with my life.

I've always endeavored to live my life as such, but somehow forgot... became lost, but now I'm found. I'm here!!! Right here.

Another note/realization - mmmm.. no, that's too private. Ah hah hah ha... ahhh.

Good.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Last night, Jason and I sat at the Marmot Mesa Brewery, far too long, in wait for the others. We ate appetizers and went through 4 pitchers of beer. The pitchers, which had come at a price of $5 per before the Olympics are now $10 - but once the bill came, we were in no shape to care about the increase in price.

My lack of tolerance for alcohol would be nice on my wallet, if I knew how to gage my limit. I'm used to drinking all night long, without much thought as to the physical repercussions...

As with two weekends ago (the last time I drank), I had too much by having less than I'm use to drinking. Strange, indeed...

I love drinking, but the knowing how sensitive my body is to alcohol now... I'm worried about falling into another cycle of drawn-out, intense drinking. I'm almost 30 (a reoccurring theme in my journal as of late), and am in need of a personal drinking ethic... I can't be careless with my body any longer. I can't risk losing the health that I do enjoy.

I've always had a huge appetite, for many things... and, in the course of my growth as an individual, i have had to employ moderation as a rule of thumb for various activities (eating for instance). I know that I have made a tremendous cut in the frequency of my drinking, but the volume that I drink when I do go out is still too much for my body. I suppose it is time to learn moderation in drinking. I can't waste brain cells any longer.... and I like being a light-weight. It's good for my soul (and my liver).

Once the others arrived (and enjoyed a few pitchers for themselves) we left in search of a jazz bar. Our first stop, at The Bull and Bear, we found kareoke night and were accosted by a drunk singing "Califorication." We left quickly and headed south, ending up at the Cabana where we found a warm fire place a one-guy entertainment center... he was playing a Frank Sinatra song, so we decided to stay. After Frank, he broke into an Elton John frenzy... Shit. I liked it.

Ruth had too much to drink. She was sitting behind me in the booth, as I was faced towards Jared, when she told me that she loved me (she meant it in a friendly manner - as she really has a thing for Jared) and I, drunk and rude, turned to her and let lose a monstrous belch (which left jared in a hysterical fit of laughter). Poor, poor Ruth... After Jared and I were able to wipe the tears from our eyes, and straighten out our faces, I turned to Ruth and let her know that I loved her also. She is a good kid, really... and a good sport.

Sometimes I have few, if any manners.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
slc was a blast.

went bar hopping with jason, jared, nate, ruth and megan. ended up listening to a guy play old elton john songs as we sat next to a fire place drinking $10 pitchers of beer. we tipped the waitress $20 and called it an evening aroung 2 am.

slept in a bed in jason's slc-home basement, megan and nate slept in the next room, jared and ruth upstairs and jason... well, i'm not sure where jason was.

his house is beautiful... up on the bench, overlooking downtown slc... i watched the sun set from his porch. the evening-sky colors can be amazing in this state.

now, i'm going home to take a nap.

yes, a nap.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Private Post for Wickenden

Hey d.

I'm terribly sorry for missing coffee on Sunday. I fell asleep at LaRyn's Saturday night, she left early Sunday morning for church and errands (with my keys in her car). I left her house around ten, then realized that my keys were missing... Jared (who had my jeep key) wasn't home, so I spent all morning (until 2:45 in the afternoon) walking around Provo. I don't have your phone number, and biloba wasn't home... so, I couldn't call you to let you know that I was stuck. Maybe I can bring my laptop by Tuesday evening... if you don't have any other plans?? Again, I am really, really sorry...

m.

Day's End

Feb. 5th, 2002 04:59 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future...

Jared took me out to lunch today, accused me of great things, and had a jolly time of it too... I'm a "lost soul," he says...

Ha! I've rarely been more centered, grounded or found (drifting).

Must leave now, as the five o'clock hounds are howling. Until next time...
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Strange day, today is...

No coffee in my system, today or yesterday. This morning I woke bright eyed and energetic - six times (snooze button). I didn't want to come into work... still don't want to be here, and can't imagine the day to bring much more. I want to be doing something else, but what? I'm not sure... but, I'll think about it.

I don't know what to do in my spare time. I'm not drinking coffee for the month (and the odds are...) and, so the coffee shop becomes less practical. I cleaned the toilet last night, did the dishes and watched some show on t.v. Jared asked me why I thought I could be such an asshole... I simply stated that I wasn't aware that I had been an asshole. Oh, well... I've been cranky from this stupid sore throat/fever thing, but an asshole? Ryn wasn't feeling well, so she didn't stop by after work and I tried to get some sleep... but, just laid there and a large portion of the night was spent tossing and turning.

Plans for the week:
Thursday night - Valentine Dinner
Friday Night - Rice/Eccles stadium for the Olympic's opening ceremony
Saturday Night - Claudine's play

Now, I've got to re-boot this computer, start scanning stuff and think about my future... think, think, think.

sick

Feb. 4th, 2002 01:34 pm
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
I haven't been feeling well... battling some virus, bacteria, disease... something. And, although I have been feeling increasingly better, I am still sick (even after six days) with a sore throat and a slight (the slightest) fever. I don't get sick often, so the feeling is very foreign and uncomfortable to me.

I haven't had any coffee today. Thursday and Friday were coffee free days as well. I think I will be taking February off from coffee... I think.

So, today... I am feeling a bit sluggish, if not slightly ill as well.

I had an amazing weekend. Friday LaRyn and I went to dinner at the Roasted Artichoke and were entertained by a young girl who played guitar and her wonderful voice... and, the food was delicious. Later we went to the movie theater to watch The Count of Monte Christo - which was very entertaining. Almost just as entertaining was the sight of David (a student worker in the library) who, upon noticing Ryn and I together, stumbled up the stairs, made a short presentation on his cinemark.com tickets and then disappeared into the crowd. Only Jocelin (and now David) knows that Ryn and I have been dating... Judy is suspicious, but has yet to come onto any evidence. She's even asked Ryn questions and made statements to Joc in an effort to get a reaction. We're very sneaky, us two... but David knows, David knows!!!

Saturday Ryn and I went to Chevy's for a late lunch, bought tickets to Claudine's play (next Saturday) and later went to SLC for a short evening of books, magazines, hot cocoa, chai tea and chocolate pie.

Sunday I spent on the couch... I gave jared $12 as part of the "chip-in" for beer... and, he only bought $12 worth of beer. So... chips, cheese, salsa and beer for the superbowl. A lovely day, really.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
"Fatal Error"

This is the message Hewlett Packard's software was giving me at eight this morning. So, I re-booted my computer and was able to scan in one document. Next document, "Fatal Error." Again, Re-boot. Try to scan again and the software recommends that I uninstall the program and reinstall the software. Fine. I uninstall the program, go up to the tech office where there are no tech people... then I remember that I had Ted look for the user's manual once, and he had no idea where he had filed it, or the software. I rummage through file after file, then find a manual for a Hewlett Packard scanner. I go back to my desk, log onto hp's web site, find the printer and the software and download it...

Only to find that the manual was for a different scanner and the program that I had downloaded was in Spanish.

A little swearing followed by another uninstall.

I went upstairs again to look for tech people. No one in, no computers on... what good are people if they don't come to work?

So, I go back to HP's web site, but I don't know what kind of scanner I have (you would think they would print the damn name somewhere on the device). After an hour of searching I find a search engine that asks for "product numbers." Luckily, the first number I find on the scanner, is the correct number. HP ScanJet 6200. I follow a couple of links and find the program I am looking for. It takes 20 minutes to download...

I take a quick break, while Joc is here, to get a sandwich. I run into Jared in the hall way. He reminds me of a meeting we have with Dr. Keller concerning the Environmental Ethics Conference. "Can't Go, Jared..." I have too much work to do.

So, he's pissed off at me.

Get back to my desk, eat my sandwich and wait for the damn program to finish downloading. Once finished, I unzip the file and run the install. Right program, but it doesn't scan from the automatic document feeder. So, I go back to HP's web site to look for software for the feeder. The feeder doesn't have software.

I look at the scanner and notice that the feeder is unplugged from the scanner. Dumb shit. I plug it back in, and the damn thing works...

5 hours wasted. Now, to work!

I hate my job.
kazatasupa: (burney mountain)
Jared and I spent all of yesterday afternoon exploring a section of Rock Canyon which we have never been in. I find it amazing, and cleansing (if that's the word I am searching for), that so many snow-shoe trips end up being the "best." Yesterday's was no exception. It's also interesting that the main trail, packed down and easy to traverse, is also the most laborious and exhausting part of the hike. Getting off the path, creating my own trail and sensing a new place is very invigorating. We must have climbed over two thousand feet... it sure is quiet, up where few people venture and non-human nature keeps to itself. I always fall deeply in love when time and my sense of place erode until I am left to whims of nature... struck by beauty in such a way that I forget all social constructs and find myself connected to everything I do not understand. That's when I find true freedom and am most able to express what it is to be me... I am fucking wild!

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